When Your Best Is Not Enough

I spent the last month in rigorous training for an Editor position through one of the mystery shop companies I shop for. It has been a stressful, to say the least. First off, I never should have signed up for a new job when my kids were still home from school, and while we were in the midst of summer activities. It was hard to keep my mind focused on learning a new job, but I decided to stick it out.

So I spent this last month brushing up on all of the grammar, capitalization and punctuation "rules" that I haven't visited in a long time. I was loving every minute of it. What threw me was how steep the learning curve was to this job. It was much, much more than just correcting grammar mistakes. The amount of  attention to detail that this job required was overwhelming. And this comes from a very detailed-oriented person.

I LOVE the written word ( as if you didn't know that by now). I've kept journals all of my life. I love it when my kids have a report they want me to "correct." I love catching misspellings, grammar mistakes and flow. I am the first to notice when a sign is misspelled! It drives me crazy. I will stress about where the comma or semicolon should go. I text out words as much as I can. Call me a ' geek,' and I'd probably agree with you.

I got this love for the English language from my all-time-favorite teacher, Miss Roybal. I remember spending time during recess or after school just talking about another way to 'word' something. I love it when I come across a word I can't spell. It challenges me each and every time. The most recent word was anesthesiologist (a tough one right?). Now I won't forget it :)

The final "test" for this position was yesterday, and last night I got an email that I failed it.

Yep! Failed. The email was a See-ya, have-a-nice-life type.

Phew! I was really looking forward to being an Editor. This has been a tough one to swallow. I went into the test with the resolve to "do the best I can" despite all of the challenges along the way. I already had jumped through many hoops just to get the chance despite the little money I was getting paid. I knew going into the test that I was against many odds.

In the hours since that email, I've had a lot of time to think and contemplate. I am thankful to my loved ones who knew the right things to say to me afterwards. I am thankful for the encouragement along the way. I am thankful for the BIG hugs from my family last night.

This whole experience got me thinking about this small little book on my bookshelf called, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Luiz. It is a sweet treasure. If you have the time to read it, please do. One of the agreements the author says in his book to living a life full of joy and happiness is, "Always do your best." He has three other agreements that will transform your life.

When I think about this test,  I know that I gave it 100% of me. I tried. I gave it my all. I hit that "submit report" button, and I knew that I did the best I could.

But....What if your best is not good enough? Then what?

That's when phrases like, It wasn't meant to be, and God's got something better in store for you, and Their loss and I believe in you and When God closes a door, He opens a window, and What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger all float into my mind. All advice from the people who love me. But essentially I take in this truth:

In God's eyes, my best is enough.

In the end though, it comes down to what I believe about this trial in my life and God's place in it. In the big scheme of things, does this job really matter? Do I believe that God is in control or not?

And I have a funny feeling that the lessons learned through all of this are going to far outweigh the disappointment. Interestingly enough, I caught a glimpse of this in the sky last night after my news:

I choose to believe the promise of the rainbow: 

Remembering that God loves me, and that no matter how bad the storm, there will always come a bright new day.

I hope you believe this, too.

The Dark Side of Depression

In honor of Robin Williams, I am finally blogging about something that I've been meaning to do for a long time. The 'good' thing about his death, if there is such a thing, is that we are talking about it.

The whole world is taking notice. Someone in the U.S. dies from suicide every 15 minutes, according to the Center for Suicide Awareness. Depression is no respecter of persons, and I am one of those persons. I am sharing my story hoping that it will bring understanding to this serious mental health problem. If you are going through it yourself, I hope you can find the courage to get help. If you know someone that is suffering from depression, I can offer you something called hope.

I speak from years of experience.

My first bout with depression beyond just the" blues" was when I was a junior in high school. I did not know what it was called or how to treat it. No one knew what to do for me. My parents tried, my teachers tried.... I only knew that I could not stop crying no matter what I tried. I couldn't function. I couldn't think. I didn't even know "why" I was in such despair and hopelessness. I thought switching schools that year would help. It did in that it distracted me from it.

When I turned 18, I was able to start seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed me medication. It was a rough start, but the medication and therapy helped pull me out of that pit of hell. That is what I like to call it.

As the years went by, I had to stop the medication for a variety of  reasons. I continued with counseling, both secular and christian, to help me deal with the next episode, and then the next one, and the next one... I was also dealing with some deep emotional issues and trauma from my childhood, the devastating loss of  five children in one year and the loss of my mom to cancer in 2007.  

I managed to work through it while being diagnosed with diseases that were causing all of my symptoms: Lyme disease, Celiac disease, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism, Addison's disease and heavy metal toxicity. The years of treatment for these diseases took a major toll on my mind, body and spirit. Even though I now had a "cause," I wasn't getting better from any of it. The 30+ doctors that I saw were spinning me in circles. I was just trying to get through each day. Depression was an ever present reality in my life once again.

It was hard to talk about because of the stigma behind just the 'word' depression. I felt like it was a secret I had to keep from others. I did not want to appear weak. I felt so misunderstood, ashamed and alone. I couldn't just 'snap out of it' like people would tell me to do.

In 2010, I began to fall deeper and deeper into that pit again. I began to lose interest in activities and friends. I wanted to be alone. I cried all of the time. I could not get out of bed. I could not sleep or eat. I lost a lot of weight. I lost all enjoyment of anything in my life.  I began to think about suicide, and then I began talking about it to the people closest to me. It was my cry for help. I didn't want to die, but I also didn't want to live. I just wanted my suffering to end. The people in my life who knew my struggle tried to do what they could for me, but they were left feeling helpless, too.

I got caught up in the roller coaster of trying to find the "right" anti-depressant medication, which is all too common. One stopped working and the next one caused terrible side effects. I was told to give each one at least 3 weeks to "work." That felt like an eternity to me. So when one didn't help, I'd move onto the next one. All in all, I spent six months trying five different medications. It was a long, agnonizing process.

Thankfully, and after many prayers, I knew which friend to call who had walked a similar road as I. I took his advice, and I asked Mark to take me to a psychiatric hospital. In hindsight, I know it took tremendous courage on my part to ask for help. I didn't feel courageous at the time. I only felt desperate. I needed some serious help.  It was not a good experience there; however, the doctors discovered that my thyroid was not functioning once again, and they got me on the right track with the right medications. For this, I am so thankful.

I remember a few weeks later, Mark saying to me, "Lori, you are finally back." It was that life changing. I felt like I had been looking at the world through a cloudy fog, and now I could see clearer. I felt lighter and free, all by God's grace.

Today, I am able to say without any shame or condemnation that, "Prozac saved my life," but in reality, it is God who I give the praise and glory to. Always. There are doctors and medications available for a reason. I like to call them gifts. If I had diabetes, and I needed insulin, no one would blink an eye. Why is our brain any different? Why does this subject have to be so difficult to talk about?

Medication doesn't always work for people and many times it stops working. It has happened to me. I've known many where this has been their truth, and they get stuck. It isn't the only answer. For me, I have to write, talk it out, be in nature, pray, listen to music, garden, express gratitude, hug my kids and animals. It is not easy keeping the depression at bay. For me, it is always lingering. I am always on the edge of being on that cliff once again. 

No one should be ashamed of walking into a counselor's office or have these stigmas blocking us from seeking help. For all you know, the person next to you who has a huge smile on their face is struggling beyond anything you can imagine. What they need is compassion, not judgment. 

No one has ever been changed by judgment.

I know there is help. I know there is healing. And I know that the journey isn't meant to walk alone. If you are in the throws of this mental illness or something similar, please know that you aren't alone. If you are trying to help someone through it, what they need to hear more than anything is, "I am here for you, and everything is going to be okay." 

Because it will be. I pray you find the strength. I pray you find the only One who can free you.

I will leave you with this powerful quote:

"What shames us, what we most fear to tell, does not set us apart from others; it binds us together if only we take the risk to speak it." ~Starhawk

Live Life the Real Way

We just returned from a family vacation to Crivitz, WI; an old-time favorite of ours. We purposely picked our vacation this year to be "up north" in a cute, secluded cottage on a lake away from all the craziness of life. We wanted time together as a family of five, especially knowing that Matthew turns 18 in October; time is of the essence. I watched a video on Facebook right before leaving for our trip that was so applicable to what I was after. It left me speechless. It opened my eyes, as I hope it does yours. I was challenged to think about things differently in a big way. I hope you take the time to watch this video and enjoy! Click here to watch.

Wow!...powerful, I know.

So I wanted to get the kids (and me!) away from all of the "technology" and spend our time doing something more productive....you know- playing board games, fishing, reading a book, etc. I was interested to see how they'd manage with limited cell phone reception and having to relate to and hangout with 'just' their siblings. Time that is priceless, which they can't understand until they are much older.

When I planned the trip in January, I heard nothing but complaints about the lack of "WI-Fi" in the cottage. I clearly remember chuckling to myself and thinking, "Ha! This should be interesting." I almost cancelled the trip, but 'knew' I needed to let it be. Both Mark and I agreed that it'd be a good thing for them to get "bored."

The first full day of the trip both Mark and I were thinking that this might end up being a long week for our kids without the constant stimulation. What I am guilty of falling into as well. I can barely keep up with the variety of social media outlets my kids are on-Twitter; Snap Chat; Instagram; Skype...Huh?! Oh my!!

So by day three, I am happy to report that the kids had chess competitions over & over, and I could hear laughing and giggling as they wrestled in the living room. I caught myself smiling, and my heart filling with joy; saying Thank you, Jesus.

The kids put their phones down (for a little while!) and took advantage of the rowboat, fishing, kayaks and paddle boats. Luke helped Mark build a fire. Matthew fished; Megan kayaked across the lake. All that I hoped they would do.

On our last day, we took a whitewater rafting trip down the Menominee River. We never did it before, so we were all a little anxious; we didn't know what to expect. Naturally, I couldn't take my phone or camera with me on the trip, and I expressed my disappointment to the tour guide. This young guy all of 25 years of age shared this wisdom with me, "That's okay. The picture is in your mind."

I'd say that's living life the real way.

Although I had watched the video and set a goal to not constantly be ''checking my phone,' I found myself in the "habit" of doing it. I caught Mark doing it, too. I personally wanted an all-out-break from it all but checked email once in the morning for anything work-related. Unfortunately, I came home to 630-spam emails to filter through...ugh!

So one day during the week I couldn't get any cell phone reception on my phone. I didn't care and was happy to have a day away from it. The kids would've freaked out! I remembered the video from Facebook. I knew I was being challenged to give my life attention and set the phone aside (I had to grab my camera though!). To Live Life the Real Way, as the guy said in the video. It was what I needed to learn and what I wanted to teach my kids. To learn this truth and live it out. I knew how fast time flew by, and didn't want to miss a thing.

What I captured, instead, on the day when I set my phone down were priceless, irreplaceable memories~and SO worth it!

I had a splashing war with Luke and finally dunked him :) ... 

I watched my children and their father play together in the water...

I stopped and smelled the daisies...

I saw my kids playing a board game!...

I watched Luke eat an ice cream cone one lick at a time...

I saw Megan feed and touch a giraffe for the first time...

I took in Matthew's thrill in jumping off the cliff...

I allowed myself to be "goofy" with Luke...

 I enjoyed the stillness & peace & giving thanks for all that I had been given...

I hope my children look back one day on this trip and use the word "bored" when telling the story. I also hope they use the word thankful. Because if they do, I will know I did my job right :) I don't want to miss a thing, do you?