Every year on this day I read through Emily's "memory box." It is filled with all of the cards people sent us, pictures of her, a snippet of her hair, a letter from me and her birth certificate with her footprints on it. I need to do this every year because it is healing. It is how I continue to heal, and I let the tears flow.
Maybe this year is more difficult than last because she would've been a teenager. I think of the birthday party we would've thrown for her. I imagine what she would've looked like. I wonder what her personality would be like. Instead, today we will visit her grave as we do every year. We will release balloons that I know she's waiting anxiously to catch, and we will place roses on her grave and remember.
Tonight when the fireworks are blasting high up in the sky with all their beautiful colors, I will be imagining Emily in heaven looking down on the spectacular show. I will say Happy Birthday sweetheart, and let the tears run down my face smudging my makeup. I will imagine her smile, and I will keep that picture in my mind close to my heart.
The truth is that I really, really miss her. In the years since her death, I have reached out to others who have had similar losses. This helps me heal and endure, too. I remember the friends I've made along this journey who had done the same for me. The thing is, I don't even have the "right" words to say because there really are no words sometimes. I tell people that they aren't alone, and I understand. I tell them that each day will get easier because it does. I tell them to never lose faith in God because He is the one who will carry them through it.
I know full well I will live with this ache in my heart the rest of my life until we meet again. It's a process of trusting that God is good no matter what. It is learning to live with no answer to my question of why? What helps me endure this loss is gratitude...my heart full of joy and thankfulness for the 3 beautiful, healthy children I do have. My mind immediately shifts to the two friends I have who would do anything to conceive a child. I know and understand full well all that I have to be thankful for, including Emily's life.
In the meantime, I choose to focus on the good that I have seen come from her life and death. I will give thanks for the time I had with her, and I will continue to praise the One who chose me to carry her. If you'd like to read more about Emily's story please click here. My friend wrote a blog post giving tribute to our baby girl. It is so worth reading.
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