A new path of life

I have journaled for years, actually since high school. I'm not sure what drew me to writing my thoughts and feelings down on paper, but I am so glad I started and continue to this day. I'm the kind of person who needs to get my thoughts, feelings, and ideas out of me in order to process them. I know other people need to go "underground" to deal with life's issues, but not me! Either I need to write or talk, or do both, even at the same time :-))

I haven't counted all of my journals, but they are overflowing in my hope chest that was refurbished by my dad when I was younger. I remember wanting a brand new one with flowers perfectly stenciled on the front. Even had it circled in the catalog, all ready to order! Of course, it was very expensive and my dad suggested he could just refinish the one we currently had with a new stain and decorations.  Now I treasure it more than anything because my dad used his own hands to make it beautiful for me! His act of service showed his love for me. This special chest holds all things dear to me in my life: old cards and letters, my baby book, high school stuff, pictures, journals, baby clothes, and many, many memories.....sometimes I wish it were fire proof because the thought of losing all of my precious stuff is daunting. But, then again, it isn't the "stuff" I treasure, it is the memories, right?

Plus, there is nothing like going to the bookstore and picking out a new journal and a pretty pen to go with it. I look for a pretty cover, usually with some sort of inspirational quote or bible verse on it. There right in front of me is this blank, empty, beautiful book just waiting for me to fill it up. It feels like the slate has been wiped clean and I get to start anew. It's exciting to anticipate what the next season of my life will bring.

Mark and I have talked about what to do with my journals when I die. Do we let the kids read them? Burn them? Hmm ... that's a tough one. Recently a journal of my mom's was found 3 years after her death  (maybe that's where I got my love of writing from?).  My first thought was, How did my sister and I miss it when we were cleaning out her room? It was right in her top nightstand drawer within reaching distance? Anyway, my dad brought it out and read it and welcomed anyone else to read it if they wanted to. Boy, was I tempted! It was a 7-year long journal. Trust me, my mom was very detail-oriented. We joked about how she wrote everything down; when people got married, died, events.  If we ever wanted to remember when something happened, it was all there at our fingertips.

We already had in our possession a journal she kept in the last 4 months of her life so did I need to read the other one? Would it help me or hurt me? Learn more about her? Understand her better? Would reading it change my feelings for her? I decided "no" for all of the above. What I knew about her, what I miss about her, what I needed to learn from her is already tucked away inside my heart.

You see, for those of you who didn't know my mom, she was a "tell it like it is" kind of person. She just let her thoughts and feelings fly, in person and on paper. And that's ok to do that in your own personal, private journal - as much as you want to. Isn't that what it is for? To vent about everything and anything? When someone just ticks you off and you can't go yell at them, you right it down in your journal. Then it's "out there" and you feel better, but no one got hurt. And you got it off your chest and feel better.

For me, I decided not to read it out of respect for her privacy. In my opinion, I don't think my mom's intent was for us to read it long after she was gone. Plus, reading it would only make me more upset because I couldn't defend myself, just in case at some point I was the target of her venting. It was just simply her way of getting her feelings out in the best way she knew how. 

The question though comes in: am I writing my thoughts and feelings down so eventually my husband, children and grandchildren can read them? My answer is Yes. I want them to read them and be encouraged, to know me more intimately. To know how I wrestled with life and how I got through it, and the times the joy was overflowing. To read my thoughts about them as they are growing up, all the recorded "kid moments" that I know I never would've remembered. To show them how I've messed up a lot, but how I learned and grew from it. Mostly, what I learned along the way. And how my faith kept me afloat. To see that I am human, just like them, trying to finish the race well. To learn from my mistakes and for them to grow as a person. To help them finish their race well.

So with these thoughts in mind, in recent years I decided to change my journal writing "style" from venting about others and situations and essentially "complaining" to sharing my heart, my vulnerability, the lessons God is teaching me through this thing called Life. Making this change with the goal of  knowing they will read them someday. I may tell Mark not to let them read the high school ones because I may not have been the best example :)  And maybe not the ones in my 20's or early 30's....OK - they can read them all if they want to, yikes! Don't say I didn't warn them.

I've had people suggest I start a blog, and have so graciously shared, that I have "a way with words". Yes, I love writing cards and e-mails sharing my thoughts and feelings, but I figured there wasn't anyone out there, but a few, who could possibly get anything out of something I had to say. Then I realized that if only my children, hopefully grandchildren, possibly great-grandchildren read it, then it'll be worth it. So, with that being said, I dedicate this new upcoming blog to them. Plus, I think it would be nice to have a hard copy of my writings just in case there is that fire I was talking about (can you tell I'm married to a Firefighter - lol). But then again, we do have a smoke detector practically in every room of the house :-)

I feel like God is and has been leading me through a profound healing process that I want to share with others. There is so much more to it than just physical healing; so, so much more. That is how my blog got it's name: "Healing Begins", after a song by Tenth Avenue North that is very popular on the radio right now. More on that topic later {stay tuned}.

I will still keep up with getting my words on paper, (I just cannot give up finding that perfect pen and journal and the feeling I get when the pen hits the paper), but I decided to start this blog to reach more people than just my immediate family in a different way. To use it as a different avenue to get my thoughts "out there" than my own personal journal writing.

My hope is that you will only feel encouraged along the way, that you will learn something about yourself, God, other people and your life in my posts. That you will laugh out loud. That I will be used as a vessel in some way in your life. I love to process and discuss some of these deep thoughts I have floating around in my head so please feel free to comment or post a question or suggestion. I'm open to learning new ways of looking at things.

If you find time in the busyness of life to read my blog, I am very thankful. I've enjoyed other people's blogs along the way, but had to narrow them down because otherwise I'd be on the computer all day. I understand if you are unable to read mine.

So, thank you for reading. I end my first official blog post on this note: May we both be blessed through this new path of life.