In my mind's eye, it was the PERFECT setting: just me (and naturally God, too) standing on the edge of the ocean waves - the cool morning breeze blowing on my face; then closing my eyes as I begin to feel the sun slowly rise; to feel that MOMENT of surrender; to let in that love and warmth from the sun's rays, all throughout my body, and God healing it.
I thought how cool THAT story would've been to tell, especially to blog about anyway.
Well, it obviously DID NOT happen. I'm sure you would've heard about it by now, in some shape or form.
So we've returned from our trip and I'm still trying to "catch up" from before we even left. Somehow, it feels like we skipped Thanksgiving, although we didn't. Instead, it feels like Christmas has come upon me way too fast. I just want to slow the train down.
Since life has been so busy since our return, I am just now coming to terms with the fact that I WAS NOT PHYSICALLY HEALED and I STILL have to contend with the overwhelming, full-time job of healing from Lyme Disease, and all of its little demons, unfortunately. That a "miracle" didn't happen on the shores of Riviera Maya, like I had so wanted. I just wanted my life to be easier, FOR PETE' SAKE! - Haven't I suffered long enough? I thought. Haven't I been dealing with these stupid diseases long enough? I need a break God! Helllllooooooo.....is anybody out there?
In the silence and stillness, I've come to realize that His answer was NO, at least for right now. I'm not too happy about that at all, can you tell?
So I guess I'm pretty much back to exactly how it was before we left: getting back to the business of getting healthy and juggling Life (except now we have the awesome family memories of Mexico as an extra special blessing to lighten the load).
Last week I saw one of my doctors, Dr. Gandy (who I must say is: AWESOME - I just love her), and I see my other Lyme doctor, Dr. Borden on Monday (who is also amazing :) I know healing is slowly happening - IT IS. I know it is a process - I KNOW. I am trying to stay strong through it all, but I have my moment's, trust me (just ask Mark or the kids).
When I got home from my appointment with Dr. Gandy after we had gone through all of my medications and supplements, and discussed which ones I absolutely needed, I decided to go through ALL of my cabinets, drawers, etc. to gather all the "leftover stuff" into one pile. I wasn't sure yet what I was going to do with it all. All I knew was that I was feeling FED UP WITH IT ALL (after all, I DIDN'T get physical healing in Mexico remember? Can you tell that I needed an attitude adjustment?).
As I was gathering and dumping, I just allowed myself to FEEL all of the frustration and hopelessness; the disappointment, and ANGER a person feels from being chronically ill for so long, and I piled those icky emotions right on top of that pile, too. I had to. It felt good. It felt freeing for some odd reason. An outward symbol of surrendering, maybe, even if that change hadn't happened in my soul, yet.
I've added this picture to give you a "visual" of what someone with chronic illness deals with. I look at that pile and just feel pathetic. For me and for anyone affected by that stinkin' thing called sickness. All of the money spent, all of the different medications and supplements I've taken that some have helped, but mostly not. The pile is so large for me because I went around in circles for years trying to get a proper diagnosis, but there are people right now that I know who HAVE to take these many medications every day, otherwise they cannot live with the symptoms. And this is just a very, very small "snapshot" of what I've purchased, taken, or tried in the last 4 years alone, BELIEVE ME (just ask Mark - he does the bills).
All I can say is that I am thankful that my "pile" has gotten much smaller, even though Mark looks at what I consider my MUCH smaller pile and says, "Wow, that's still a lot." Yep - he's probably right.
A few days ago, I was "coincidentally" reading an article about an author who was answering questions about her 23-year struggle with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Her statement really ignited something within me when she stated, "I hope for a cure, but don't stop living because of it."
First off, I wanted to SCREAM at the magazine (and lady) "Don't settle for that LABEL; that there is a CAUSE to WHY you are still sick; don't stop fighting until you find it!"
And then humbly, I thought, I refuse to let myself be broken by this disease any longer, EITHER. Even if I wasn't healed in Mexico, even if I have to live this way the rest of my life, that I'm done fighting it! I'm done fighting YOU, God! Her words both infuriated me, yet also convicted me.
I, then realized that because I WAS NOT physically healed like I had secretly hoped for, that I had to make a change in my spirit, a heart change, a CHOICE to NOT fall into despair and hopelessness, AGAIN. Because then, I would be in a far darker place than just having to deal with chronic illness. And I can't go there again - not ever.
I have CHOSEN to stay Unbroken, just like that author. I have made the choice to accept what IS right now as what God wants for me, even though I AM NOT happy about it at all. I, me Lori, wanted to return from our wonderful, AMAZING family vacation HEALED.
But, I AM learning: it really isn't about ME at all, is it?
So when I see my hair falling out in clumps again when I am washing it (an old symptom returning), or when I cringe from the chronic, aching pain in my neck/shoulders/back (a now "new" symptom - I NOW UNDERSTAND WHAT PEOPLE WHO LIVE WITH CHRONIC PAIN FEEL LIKE - UGH!), that I will think This is a good thing! Healing is happening! REALLY! I just need to stay strong! Help me God!
So I continue to put one foot in front of the other, as I've always done. It is sort of how I'm wired, which hasn't always served me or others well at times, I might add.
How I stay and continue to stay Unbroken (I was just recently asked this by someone actually; as if I have the 'secret'; as if 'I have arrived' - NOT!) is: to always keep the lines of communication open with God - because that is the most important thing of all, that I am so humbly having to learn over and over again along this journey..... then I FILL MY LIFE UP with positive, encouraging people who are willing to walk this journey with me as yucky as it has been, and will get. I continue to keep myself educated about my diseases, and health issues. I continue to be proactive about issues that I feel passionate about.
I control what I can; I stay focused on the goal; I count my blessings; I try to focus on what I DO have, not what I DON'T; I stay open to what God is trying to teach me through it all; I fill my heart, mind, and soul with God's Word so that when I DO have those low moments, something He said pops into my head at just the right moment to help me along; I read and let myself BE INSPIRED; I try to rest my poor, sick body, and be kind to it after all its been through; I try to give back; I try to be loving and kind to everyone I meet; I accept my failures; I try to LAUGH as much as I can (just hang out with Luke for an hour & you will definitely laugh out loud); and I continue to Hope and Trust in the one and only Great Physician.
I encourage you to do this, also, if you are in a trial right now that is ready to break you wide open, and leave you broken. Don't let it.....keep looking UP, and keeping putting one foot right in front of the other. YOU ARE BEING CARRIED! May God bless you!
