Unbroken

I must share a secret with you: I really had hoped and prayed for physically healing while we were in Mexico, particularly on one of those early mornings that I watched the sun rise.

In my mind's eye, it was the PERFECT setting: just me (and naturally God, too) standing on the edge of the ocean waves - the cool morning breeze blowing on my face; then closing my eyes as I begin to feel the sun slowly rise; to feel that MOMENT of surrender; to let in that love and warmth from the sun's rays, all throughout my body, and God healing it.

I thought how cool THAT story would've been to tell, especially to blog about anyway.

Well, it obviously DID NOT happen. I'm sure you would've heard about it by now, in some shape or form.

So we've returned from our trip and I'm still trying to "catch up" from before we even left. Somehow, it feels like we skipped Thanksgiving, although we didn't. Instead, it feels like Christmas has come upon me way too fast. I just want to slow the train down.

Since life has been so busy since our return, I am just now coming to terms with the fact that I WAS NOT PHYSICALLY HEALED and I STILL have to contend with the overwhelming, full-time job of healing from Lyme Disease, and all of its little demons, unfortunately. That a "miracle" didn't happen on the shores of Riviera Maya, like I had so wanted. I just wanted my life to be easier, FOR PETE' SAKE! - Haven't I suffered long enough? I thought. Haven't I been dealing with these stupid diseases long enough? I need a break God! Helllllooooooo.....is anybody out there?

In the silence and stillness, I've come to realize that His answer was NO, at least for right now. I'm not too happy about that at all, can you tell?

So I guess I'm pretty much back to exactly how it was before we left: getting back to the business of getting healthy and juggling Life (except now we have the awesome family memories of Mexico as an extra special blessing to lighten the load).

Last week I saw one of my doctors, Dr. Gandy (who I must say is: AWESOME - I just love her), and I see my other Lyme doctor, Dr. Borden on Monday (who is also amazing :) I know healing is slowly happening - IT IS. I know it is a process - I KNOW. I am trying to stay strong through it all, but I have my moment's, trust me (just ask Mark or the kids).

When I got home from my appointment with Dr. Gandy after we had gone through all of my medications and supplements, and discussed which ones I absolutely needed, I decided to go through ALL of my cabinets, drawers, etc. to gather all the "leftover stuff" into one pile. I wasn't sure yet what I was going to do with it all. All I knew was that I was feeling FED UP WITH IT ALL (after all, I DIDN'T get physical healing in Mexico remember? Can you tell that I needed an attitude adjustment?).

As I was gathering and dumping, I just allowed myself to FEEL all of the frustration and hopelessness; the disappointment, and ANGER a person feels from being chronically ill for so long, and I piled those icky emotions right on top of that pile, too. I had to. It felt good. It felt freeing for some odd reason. An outward symbol of surrendering, maybe, even if that change hadn't happened in my soul, yet.

I've added this picture to give you a "visual" of what someone with chronic illness deals with. I look at that pile and just feel pathetic. For me and for anyone affected by that stinkin' thing called sickness. All of the money spent, all of the different medications and supplements I've taken that some have helped, but mostly not. The pile is so large for me because I went around in circles for years trying to get a proper diagnosis, but there are people right now that I know who HAVE to take these many medications every day, otherwise they cannot live with the symptoms. And this is just a very, very small "snapshot" of what I've purchased, taken, or tried in the last 4 years alone, BELIEVE ME (just ask Mark - he does the bills).

 
All I can say is that I am thankful that my "pile" has gotten much smaller, even though Mark looks at what I consider my MUCH smaller pile and says, "Wow, that's still a lot." Yep - he's probably right.

A few days ago, I was "coincidentally" reading an article about an author who was answering questions about her 23-year struggle with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Her statement really ignited something within me when she stated, "I hope for a cure, but don't stop living because of it."

First off, I wanted to SCREAM at the magazine (and lady) "Don't settle for that LABEL; that there is a CAUSE to WHY you are still sick; don't stop fighting until you find it!"

And then humbly, I thought, I refuse to let myself be broken by this disease any longer, EITHER. Even if I wasn't healed in Mexico, even if I have to live this way the rest of my life, that I'm done fighting it! I'm done fighting YOU, God! Her words both infuriated me, yet also convicted me.

I, then realized that because I WAS NOT physically healed like I had secretly hoped for, that I had to make a change in my spirit, a heart change, a CHOICE to NOT fall into despair and hopelessness, AGAIN. Because then, I would be in a far darker place than just having to deal with chronic illness. And I can't go there again - not ever.
I have CHOSEN to stay Unbroken, just like that author. I have made the choice to accept what IS right now as what God wants for me, even though I AM NOT happy about it at all. I, me Lori, wanted to return from our wonderful, AMAZING family vacation HEALED.

But, I AM learning: it really isn't about ME at all, is it?

So when I see my hair falling out in clumps again when I am washing it (an old symptom returning), or when I cringe from the chronic, aching pain in my neck/shoulders/back (a now "new" symptom - I NOW UNDERSTAND WHAT PEOPLE WHO LIVE WITH CHRONIC PAIN FEEL LIKE - UGH!), that I will think This is a good thing! Healing is happening! REALLY! I just need to stay strong! Help me God!

So I continue to put one foot in front of the other, as I've always done. It is sort of how I'm wired, which hasn't always served me or others well at times, I might add.

How I stay and continue to stay Unbroken (I was just recently asked this by someone actually; as if I have the 'secret'; as if 'I have arrived' - NOT!) is: to always keep the lines of communication open with God  - because that is the most important thing of all, that I am so humbly having to learn over and over again along this journey..... then I FILL MY LIFE UP with positive, encouraging people who are willing to walk this journey with me as yucky as it has been, and will get. I continue to keep myself educated about my diseases, and health issues. I continue to be proactive about issues that I feel passionate about.

I control what I can; I stay focused on the goal; I count my blessings; I try to focus on what I DO have, not what I DON'T; I stay open to what God is trying to teach me through it all; I fill my heart, mind, and soul with God's Word so that when I DO have those low moments, something He said pops into my head at just the right moment to help me along; I read and let myself BE INSPIRED; I try to rest my poor, sick body, and be kind to it after all its been through; I try to give back; I try to be loving and kind to everyone I meet; I accept my failures; I try to LAUGH as much as I can (just hang out with Luke for an hour & you will definitely laugh out loud); and I continue to Hope and Trust in the one and only Great Physician.

I encourage you to do this, also, if you are in a trial right now that is ready to break you wide open, and leave you broken. Don't let it.....keep looking UP, and keeping putting one foot right in front of the other. YOU ARE BEING CARRIED! May God bless you!

Roots & Wings

My mom was really into inspirational poems and quotes. She had a real tender side when it came to stuff like that. I remember watching Little House on the Prairie with her and only she and I would be crying over the simplest thing.

After my dad retired from being a Milwaukee Police Officer, my parents moved "up north" to Montello, WI. Because of my mom's love for writing, she'd often send me long letters and attach coupons or 'kid type' jokes with them. Many times she'd include an inspirational poem or quote. Things she knew I'd appreciate or get a "kick" out of. If not then, someday for sure.

I remember one time she sent me this quote: 

 Parents give their children two great gifts---one is roots, the other is wings.

At the time I read it, I didn't quite appreciate it until now. You see, when I read that quote, my oldest child, Matthew, was just a toddler. My main concerns at that time were definitely NOT about roots and wings. More like changing diapers, getting sleep, and keeping up with a 2-year old!

Now, how many years later, I have recently experienced what this long ago "quote" was saying. And my mom's in Heaven, simply smiling & nodding her head with understanding.

The thing is: No one prepared me for the time when I would have to FIRST give my children their wings. How HARD and PAINFUL that was going to be. I just wish my soft, mommy heart could have been a little bit more prepared for the "sting" that was coming. 

I still thought I had plenty of time to prepare for it. For the Flying, I mean.

I know this is all a very normal, natural process of life, but I guess I thought I had more TIME.

Recently, my oldest child, Matthew, turned 14 and it seemed like, LITERALLY, overnight, we had a different child. It was so sudden, at least for me. After all, he was what I considered my "homebody kid". Out of the 3 of them, he is my most shy and introverted. In fact, he spent the majority of this past summer just hangin' out at home with our new dog, Daisy May. I just didn't expect such a dramatic change, so fast.  

It started with him getting his "own" room. Then wanting to hang out with friends more; then an increase in texting; more time spent on Facebook; more time spent alone. Hmmmm... Something is going on with Matthew. I thought.

Mark & I were recently talking about how fast the kids are growing up, and he reminded me of that old familiar quote: "Parents give their children two great gifts - one is roots, the other is wings." It sparked a conversation between us about this phase in our lives, and how that looks with each one of our children. What we need to do as their parents to give them solid roots and wings. 

And how HARD that is to do in this day and age. How much different the world is than when we were kids. How we WILL falter along the way right along with them because we are learning, too.
And that it is OK to tell them that.

As parents, we all know that someday our children are going to grow up and leave us (as much as we try NOT to think about it, especially for moms). It is simply just a fact of life, and we can't change it. We have to just try very hard to appreciate the moments along the way - to slow down and take it all in. We hope and pray that we somehow fulfill the role of a "good parent"; that we hopefully create productive responsible adults, right?

Maybe even ones that Soar.

I recently pulled out the old scrapbook albums and cried tears of sadness and grief for the quickness of time; how I wish I could just hold Matthew as a baby, completely and utterly safe under MY wings, for just one more hour. 

My tears also fell out of appreciation and remembrance for all the joyful moments we've been blessed with.

But mostly, my tears were for my heartfelt gratefulness and honor to have been apart of all the chapters of his life up until now, as his Mom.

And then the realization hit:  how the next chapter of his life WILL probably fly by even FASTER.
For all of us.

What I know for sure is:  it is our job as their parents to give them roots and wings, as much as it "stings" us. Because they cannot FLY without both, at least not very successfully anyway.

So after my heart mended a bit, I sought out some good wisdom and advice from some dear friends. Barb, who I love to call my "wise mentor friend" shared how much FUN the Next chapter of our lives is going to be. To cherish the old, but WELCOME the new. And she's speaking from the perspective of recently becoming a grandma for the first time.

Then Jami, who has years of experience in not only teaching, but also in coaching, and leading youth groups (and she is also a mom!) shared some very wise, eye-opening, informative advice about this age group that I didn't realize. She helped me face the REALITY of the situation. She helped me see how I CAN move ahead as long as I remain teachable, open, and humble.

I am ashamed to admit after talking to her, how clueless I really am about the "dangers" our kids are facing in this day and age, and how they are facing it at such a younger age than we did.

So what do I do now? That is a good question, isn't it?

For me personally, I will be PRAYING WITHOUT CEASING - It's that simple.
Because I know that Mark & I need A LOT of guidance, wisdom, and support in giving our children  
solid roots and wings. And to TRUST that God IS carrying us, as He always does (because I have a feeling the "teenage" years are going to be rough.)

So I would like to end this post with some words of encouragement for you that I have learned along the way.....

If you are in the same place as me right now, where your heart is breaking because you've had to close a chapter of one of your kids' lives (no matter what age), OR you are closing a different chapter of your own life, and the hurt of letting go keeps you feeling stuck, then I want you to know I UNDERSTAND.

I realize that we ARE going to feel those "stings" along this road of Life as we close chapters. That is just the way it is. But, we then NEED to move onto whatever comes Next with grateful anticipation.
Not sadness over time lost.

To smile because it happened, NOT cry because it's over: TO CHERISH EVERY MOMENT.

The key is (I'm still learning) is to not let the "stings" along the way stop us from enjoying that present, precious moment that will be gone in a BLINK.

So I look forward to this next "chapter" of our lives (sorry Matthew - as the oldest, you get to go first) not with sadness and grief (okay, maybe some still lingers), but rather with anticipation and excitement for what comes Next.

My chance encounter with a stranger

One of my unfortunate symptoms of Lyme Disease is waking up at 2 to 4:00 a.m. everyday. It is one of my more frustrating symptoms that I hope will be resolved sooner versus later.

Anyway, while we were in Mexico over Thanksgiving week, my usual 4 a.m. waking would leave me the choice of "finding something to do as to not wake everyone else up" or just lying there, hoping to fall back asleep (this usually does not happen).

So every morning I would throw on some clothes, grab some books to read or whatever, and head out to explore. Oh...and I never forgot my camera.

What is so interesting, and quite comical is that they have these birds there called "zanates" that all gather at sunrise and sunset to do what, I'm not sure. Have a twice daily family bird meeting to chirp about the tasks at hand? All I know is that they were LOUD. At 5p.m. people would all be mingling about, swimming, hangin' out, and all we would hear were these very loud birds, all gathered above our heads in the various trees at this particular area of the resort. They were so loud that it was hard to hear each other talk. It cracked me up every time, for some reason.

Well, this also happened at sunrise. So on my early morning wakings as I would begin my exploring, I'd be greeted by the zanates, and I'd chuckle to myself, and say "Good morning" back to them. There is just nothing that compares to waking up to the sounds of nature.

The first morning of my wanderings, I only saw a few workers getting ready for the day. I also saw a man about my dad's age (late 60s) hangin' around and I asked him if he was also an early morning riser, too. He said he was, and that he was trying to find the best "spot" to check his internet. I smiled at him, and he continued on.

Now the next morning, it was a tad bit rainy outside so I had to sit in the lobby, making sure I picked the perfect spot right by the door so I could see the sun come up, hear the zanates, and feel the breeze on my face. I figured I might as well order coffee from the front desk. Room service very graciously delivered this completely filled tray containing everything I needed for my morning coffee - It was heavenly.

And then along comes the fellow I met the morning before.

I invited him to pull up a chair and join me. He seemed quite pleased to do so.

His name was Bill from upstate New York and I realized that: everyone has a story. Sometimes you just have to ask the right questions because people do want to tell it, most of the time.

I asked him why he was there (a nephew's wedding) and I shared why we were there - just some small talk. Then he began to talk about his life. How he grew up in the military and traveled a lot. He went on to tell me how his wife, who was an alcoholic, had left him and his 2 children when they were little. That, even to this day, there were still much resentment towards her and the "disease." How he was enjoying life with his "lady friend" for the past 8 years. He seemed to be really enjoying his retirement.

I talked some about my history and also my experience with alcoholism in my family. I felt like we really understood each other's journey: the pain of lost relationships, the struggle of living with someone with an addiction, and how much it deeply affects generations. I had several "A-ha moments" while talking to Bill.

We talked for about 2 hours until his daughter finally found him. By this time, the sun had already risen, the zanates had set out to complete their daily tasks, and my coffee was way beyond cold. I figured by this time, my family was getting up and ready to face the day. It was time to say good-bye to Bill.

Friendly pleasantries were exchanged, and he and his daughter left. Later on I saw him with his family at breakfast. He stopped by our table for introductions. He smiled and said, "It looks like you have a really nice family." And off he went...

I have reflected on that chance meeting with my stranger named Bill from upstate New York many times since we've been home, trying to figure out what I was suppose to have learned from him.

You see, I don't believe in "luck" or "coincidence" so I knew there had to be a lesson or lessons I was suppose to have learned from him. Or maybe what he needed, was to learn something from me? You never know what "a chance encounter with a stranger" might really mean. God tells us to never forget to entertain strangers because you might never know when you are actually entertaining angels.

All I do know is: that God must have been trying to teach me a "lesson" that He knew I would not have learned any other way, except through, maybe?, a "Bill from upstate New York"?

Hmm? ... it sure gives you something to think about, at least it does me. You just never know what "lessons" you are to be learning, or teaching, from strangers along the way ...