Pain Demands to be Felt

I first heard this quote, "Pain demands to be felt" when I watched a movie called The Fault in Our Stars. It just jumped out at me & hit that heart spot. It stopped me dead in my tracks because it was what I really needed to hear at that time. I simply love quotes like this!! So deep and meaningful, yet so simple. I tried to read the book; however, I 'knew' it wasn't going to have a happy ending, so I put it down. Then, Megan talked me into seeing the movie....okay- good Mom/Daughter time, so I went, but I left the movie with a tear-stained face and a heavy heart. The lesson of 'it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' didn't seem to help.

This quote has stuck with me. It reminds me of the stages of grief and how you have to go through it in order to get to the other side. The side of acceptance. I like to call this freedom.

I have experienced this in my life in recent months with a friendship that I treasured. It hasn't been pretty, and it sure hasn't been easy, but it is what it is. I  am reminded of the Serenity Prayer, my sister's favorite. It is one that I have memorized. Have you read it? It sure is powerful & if applied, freeing.

 
Why is it to hard to accept the things we cannot change? And why is it so hard to have the courage to know the difference? Sometimes it is hard to even know the difference.

"Pain demands to be felt." We try to ignore it and make it go away. So we must feel it. Some run it out; some immerse themselves in family, work and activities. Some soothe it with food or drink or the arms of someone else. It is all about the means of trying to forget the pain gnawing at you so you try to push it into a deep place where it won't be felt. We try to numb it, but the pain keeps on popping up. There is always a reminder of what is there.

It doesn't go away until you allow the only One who can heal it to do so.

For as beautiful and awesome as my life is right now, I feel enormous pain over the loss of this friendship. The aching hole in my heart because she isn't in my life is a constant. I try to ignore the pain. I try to focus on all that is wonderful in my life and the good memories. I will mourn the loss and feel the pain so I can be free of this nagging ache in my soul.

The pain has to be confronted, embraced and dealt with. I know this to be true. Ignoring it only puts off the inevitable, and that destroys us and others in the process. I will get by as I always do, and so will you.

Enduring Loss

Thirteen years ago today our lives changed forever. It feels like a lifetime ago, yet it feels just like yesterday. In the early morning hours of July 4, 2001 Mark and I went to the hospital expecting our baby girl to be born, but instead we walked straight into our worst nightmare coming true. The doctors liken Emily's death to SIDS as they found no cause of death. We left the hospital that day without our baby. It was devastating beyond what words can express.

Every year on this day I read through Emily's "memory box." It is filled with all of the cards people sent us, pictures of her, a snippet of her hair, a letter from me and her birth certificate with her footprints on it. I need to do this every year because it is healing. It is how I continue to heal, and I let the tears flow.

Maybe this year is more difficult than last because she would've been a teenager. I think of the birthday party we would've thrown for her. I imagine what she would've looked like. I wonder what her personality would be like. Instead, today we will visit her grave as we do every year. We will release balloons that I know she's waiting anxiously to catch, and we will place roses on her grave and remember.

Tonight when the fireworks are blasting high up in the sky with all their beautiful colors, I will be imagining Emily in heaven looking down on the spectacular show. I will say Happy Birthday sweetheart, and let the tears run down my face smudging my makeup. I will imagine her smile, and I will keep that picture in my mind close to my heart.

The truth is that I really, really miss her. In the years since her death, I have reached out to others who have had similar losses. This helps me heal and endure, too. I remember the friends I've made along this journey who had done the same for me. The thing is, I don't even have the "right" words to say because there really are no words sometimes. I tell people that they aren't alone, and I understand. I tell them that each day will get easier because it does. I tell them to never lose faith in God because He is the one who will carry them through it.

I know full well I will live with this ache in my heart the rest of my life until we meet again. It's a process of trusting that God is good no matter what. It is learning to live with no answer to my question of why? What helps me endure this loss is gratitude...my heart full of joy and thankfulness for the 3 beautiful, healthy children I do have. My mind immediately shifts to the two friends I have who would do anything to conceive a child. I know and understand full well all that I have to be thankful for, including Emily's life. 

In the meantime, I choose to focus on the good that I have seen come from her life and death. I will give thanks for the time I had with her, and I will continue to praise the One who chose me to carry her. If you'd like to read more about Emily's story please click here. My friend wrote a blog post giving tribute to our baby girl. It is so worth reading. 

 

Birthdays

I love birthdays. I especially love to make people feel special on their day because they deserve it. Maybe it is because my mom resented me for being born on my parents 3rd wedding anniversary. I always felt that 'sting' growing up. I worked through it and have accepted 'what is.' I love to tell my kids on their birthday that the day they were born moved me to a joy unspeakable. We set our watches to the exact time and get a little excited and crazy when the time hits.

I think everyone wants to be remembered on their birthday, even if they say they don't. It is that one day you and others get to celebrate YOU and the life you've been given. Yes, I do mind getting "older" and signs of it are starting to show, but it is all part of the journey. Birthdays are the perfect time to do a life review. That's what I like to call it anyway. Thankfully, I have kept several journals throughout my 41st year so it easy for me to read back and contemplate.

I ask myself if I have accomplished what I set out to do; I ask myself what life lessons I have learned in the past year; I ask myself what do I want to change and how do I want to grow. I think to the new relationships I have, and the ones I had to let go of; and I ask myself who I need to forgive and what needs to stay in the past. I reflect back on the many gifts I've been given in just one year's time. There are just too many to count.

I saw this cartoon on Facebook, and it just jumped out at me. It is one those pictures that "is worth a thousand words." I hope you get the deep, yet simple message behind it. It is about letting go of things that don't serve me anymore, even though I may love them or think I need them. It's about trusting in someone other than myself and loving Him more than a thing or person or whatever. It's called simple trust.

I'd say this is the perfect message to begin my 42nd year. I am going to print it and tape it to the inside of my "new" journal (you know how I love those!) to help remind me every day. May you remember just how special you are on your birthday and every day.