It Is What It Is

I love to run. Not a friendly stroll through the park or jog or walk. I mean.... RUN. I have been running as my means of exercise for over 20 years. It was Mark who introduced me to it from his Army days. We use to run together blasting the Styx's and the BoDeans. Great motivational music to keep us going. I still play those songs today.

The years flew by, and I needed to stop running for periods of time (pregnancy, injury etc.). However, in March 2013, I began again after months of being bedridden. I always needed to start very slowly. Run a minute, walk a minute. Out of breath, ready to quit. But I'd push myself to keep going. Time and time again.

Everything hurt. It sucked to breathe. I hated it, but loved it at the same time.

I ran my "usual" route and after much stopping and walking, I finally made it around the loop to the end. "Okay, I got through that," I thought. I began to do more and more each time until I reached three miles. It was a good place to be.

You see, running isn't just exercise for me, but rather, therapy. Been there, done that with many therapists over the years, yet I learned that I processed my emotions in this simple movement of my body so much better than therapy. Other "runners" understand this.

I realized that when I run is when I  most feel alive. I can hear the earth pounding beneath my feet; I feel the burn of my muscles; the sun on my face; I connect with the earth...Thanking Him for what I can do...Asking Him to give me strength. 

I breathe in fresh, clean air. The sweat is pouring down my face. And I think. I pray. I process.

I do this all through running. Others do it differently. All is okay.

I ran my very first "run" last June with my friend, Courtney. She challenged me to run the 10K Rock n' Sole at the lakefront and over the Hoan bridge. It was fun and exhilarating, and the most I've ever run. We weren't the "best" or "worst" time-wise, but we finished; that's all that mattered. I loved the experience.

I planned ahead and realized that the next Rock n' Sole was on my 42nd birthday, June 14th, interestingly enough. I immediately registered. I wanted to "beat" my time from last year. A goal I set, which is so important to do.

But God sometimes has a different plan.

Pain has been present in my right leg over a year in some fashion. Either it was my knees, or my shin, or calf. I was still able to run through it until April. Yeah...maybe I could've taken it easy. The combination of running in old running shoes to switching to new ones, plus my injuries, led to a huge problem. Yes, I've learned my lesson.

I realized  God is good at getting me still. After all, He does tell us to "Be still and know that He is God." I have that verse stenciled on the wall in our bedroom. It is a constant reminder of what I need to know and remember.

After months of chiropractic therapy, I wasn't getting any better. Through the encouragement of a friend, I made an appointment with a Sports Medicine Physician at Froedert Hospital. She had the name of someone, "good." I really resisted going to this appointment. I thought many times of canceling. After all, I wasn't too fond of doctors of any kind.

I ended up going and found out I have a stress fracture above my ankle. I needed 2 MRI's to see the severity. Never expected that. Thought she'd just tell me to "take it easy" like all of the others. I had an answer and a plan. All very, very good. I just needed to give it time.

I can't run. My love. My therapy. My ability to feel alive. My friend, Jackie, will put my bib number around her neck and run for me in my honor. She will run it well.

I, however, look to Someone else to meet this need of mine. And He does faithfully.

I realized, once again, how much you don't really miss something until it's gone. And I am not talking just about running here. I've come to accept that I need to accept what is. Accept what I cannot change. Embrace the good that I have in my life. Not being able to run is very minor compared to what others are going through. I realize that. Several people I know are waiting on a cancer diagnosis or waiting to start the treatment for it. There are those counting down to the end of their days. There is no room for complaint in my Life.

It is only another reminder that I have no control of my life. None of us does. We either trust something or someone.

It's that simple.

A Tribute to my Mom & Back to Blogging!

I haven't "blogged" in a long, long time, but feel inspired to write today, which is the 7-year anniversary of my mom's death. I pondered many times about what to "do" with this blog, Healing Begins, which I started so many years ago. I never received healing from Lyme disease I had hoped & prayed I would receive. Instead, I've learned to simply, "live with it." What so many of us with chronic illness live with day after day. Some with "labels" that we don't really want to talk about, yet alone, think about ourselves.

We are the ones with the invisible illnesses that suffer within, but no one would know it from the outside. In fact, we try to 'cover it up' so other people don't know what we are going through. "Look strong," even if you don't feel it. I suspect that is what my Mom lived with, but what no one knew about. Not anyone, sadly.

So, I stopped writing, at least in 'blog' form, and felt that I had nothing else to add to my Story. The truth is, I was sick of hearing myself talk and write about being sick when so many other people were suffering from much more than I, and my healing wasn't coming. I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone. I had compassion, empathy and understanding to give, but no answers. No treatments to "try." Nothing I could say "worked for me," except prayer.

I keep up with my loads of medications, but long ago, I gave up "trying" something else to cure me of chronic Lyme disease and the many autoimmune diseases it brings along with it. I've accepted God's will for my life. I take it one day at a time. Is there any other choice?

I love my doctor, Dr. Glenn Toth, who is knowledgeable, compassionate, and kind. He has been more than willing to try 'something else' every time I visit, but it is I, who am not willing. Not anymore. After seeing over 30 doctors since 2006, I've been simply, worn out. That I can get out of bed and live my Life...I am grateful.

Recently, I've had several dear people in my Life  encourage me to keep on with 'my writing' in someway. I've wrestled with a few ideas. I've looked into an editor position for one of my mystery shopping companies. I've considered taking a writing or editing course. I still don't have peace about any direction, but to write here for now. I am currently writing reports for my mystery shopping job. So there is that. And I have never stopped writing in journals or could even possibly think about doing that.

While we were doing spring cleaning, Megan discovered my huge mounting of journals in my closet. Several had tumbled to the floor. She said, "Oh my goodness, are those ALL of your journals?" I, naturally, gulped and said, "Yeah, they sure are." I guess that writing has been healing for me after all.

I've realized that I don't need to know the reason to keep blogging for right now. I have no idea if I will keep the title or not. Change it to something else? Who knows? Keep the same picture? I might as well...I am in my 30's still in that one! I can't even figure out how to get the music player to work!? for Pete's sake! I'm settled with not changing a thing for now.

I do know for sure that I need to blog, if not for myself, then for someone else.

Today, is as good as any other, to start again.

My mom is, somehow, from up Above encouraging me to tell the Story.

Thank you for being a listening ear.

http://www.lorianngrade.blogspot.com/2011/05/my-mothers-eulogy.html

40 Lessons

Now that I have turned 40, I've been looking back on my life and thinking about "lessons" I wish my younger self knew. Or truths that I've collected along the way I wish I knew then. Here's my list of things that I'm sure would've made my life much easier! The best thing I can do now is share them with you ... and write (type!) them down for my kids. Maybe it'll encourage and help them, as well as you, in this thing called Life.

1.   Trust your gut. It's always right.
2.   Kindness goes a long way.
3.   You are stronger and braver than you think.
4.   Crying is very healing; so is laughter.
5.   Perspective is everything.
6.   Never stop learning. No education is wasted.
7.   You can do and be anything you put your mind to.
8.   Stop worrying about what others think of you.
9.   A smile can change someone's whole day.
10. You are never alone, even when it feels like it.
11. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable.
12. No matter what happens, life must go on.
13. Love is healing; so are hugs.
14. Forgiveness is hard, but freeing. 
15. Life is about change. Roll with the punches.
16. We are to learn from our mistakes and failures. It's all about the lesson. Have no regrets
17. Be in the moment. It's gone in a flash.
18. Gratitude & thankfulness will lift you out of a bad mood every time.
19. The truth will set you free.
20. Tell people you love them ... often.
21. Never be afraid to cry in front of others.
22. Grief is a hard thing to get through, but you will.
23. When you have nothing left, there is always hope.
24. Don't make assumptions. Ask questions.
25. Never take your health for granted.
26. Find the job you love and can get paid for.
27. Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
28. The Serenity Prayer is worth memorizing. So is Psalm 23.
29. Be nice to yourself.
30. If you've done the best you can, then that's enough.
31. Family is the most important thing. It's where your story begins.
32. You'll learn who your friends really are during the hardest times in your life.
33. If you don't learn the lesson, it'll just keep showing itself again and again.
34. It's okay to change your mind.
35. Never let anyone challenge your 'No.'
36. Sometimes you have to just do it afraid.
37. Don't forget to enjoy the journey. Life is short.
38. Never stop being curious.
39. Learn to laugh at yourself and life. Stop taking life so seriously.
40. Have fun along the way.