Heartbroken

I found out a few days ago that my friend, Laura, is dying of brain cancer and has at-home hospice.  This is after an 18-month battle fighting cancer in her shoulder with chemotherapy and surgery.  This is on top of being a single, divorced mom who lost her job.  She went to the doctor for her "check-up," and they found it had spread to her brain.  Her diagnosis came in early December, but I didn't receive the news until now.

She was given 6 weeks to live.

We became friends a few years ago where we met at our kids' school.  We have kids in the same grades.  We found we had a lot in common.   We immediately "clicked,"  right from the start.  I love her 'realness' and 'spark.'  I love her love for God and her children.  We are the kind of friends (I like to call us kindred spirits) that get together for coffee/lunch dates from time to time.  You know the kind, where you can just "pick up right where you left off" kind.  I am reminded of how much I appreciate the gift of friendship.

More so, now.

Laura and I would talk about our kids, school, health, life, but mostly we talked about our faith.  We talked about how to trust God and believe in His promises during the hard times of life.  We shared how hard that is sometimes to do.  I was in awe of her deep, profound faith when I knew she was struggling so much.  I would leave our time together always feeling encouraged.  She has that gift.

The last time I saw her was in October.  She was cancer-free, feeling stronger and looked great.  She had plans of becoming a Milwaukee Police Officer.  I strongly encouraged her to go for it.  She would have been a really good cop.  I kind of have that sense after being around cops my whole life. :)

Just this past Monday, I thought of contacting her to get together again.  But, life got in the way, as it always seems to do.  Then, I received the devastating news.  I grieve the time lost.  I called a mutual friend to get more information.  I wanted to visit, call, text - DO something, anything!   I found out that the last report of her current condition was not good.  I contacted her mom to see if I could visit.  I was told it was not a good time for visitors.  I was told this yesterday, too.  Understandably so.  I watched my mom go through the same thing seven years ago.

I am too late. 

I believe in my heart of hearts that I am not going to get a chance to say good-bye to my dear friend on this side of heaven.  Not in the way I would've wanted to or chosen, but I trust that it is the way it has to be.  Instead, I will pick out my very favorite stationery and pen, sit down at my table, light a candle for her and write my friend a handwritten letter.  I will write until I cannot write any longer.  I will let the tears fall. I will mail it on Monday, and I hope she gets it in time. I will pray for her family and her kids. I will pray for her.  I won't say good-bye to her because I know I will see her again.  It sure will be good to see her in her new body, walking hand-in-hand with Jesus.

I am left feeling heartbroken about all of it down to every last tear shed; however, I believe there is a lesson to be learned from everything in life.  I believe the lesson here is to treasure every moment.  I've been reminded to slow down and step out of the craziness of life and focus on what really matters.  It's not about the job, money, success, prestige, biggest house, expensive car...I could go on and on.  We are all guilty of it ~letting time slip on by and wasting it on what won't even matter at the end of our lives. That popular country song by Tim McGraw, "Live Like You Were Dying" keeps popping into my head.  It sure puts things into perspective.

Finally, read the good book...took a good, hard look at what I'd do if I could do it all again...loved deeper...spoke sweeter...gave forgiveness I've been denying...tomorrow is a gift...what will you do with it? What did I do with it?

The lesson is to appreciate the time we are given.  It is about honoring and praising God for the gift of life each and every day.  It is about spending time with our loved ones. It is about making time for people, not things or endeavors.  It's about doing it now.

Dear Sarah...

Today I was the substitute teacher in Luke's 6th-grade class. His teacher was at home with his family, two young boys, and his wife, trying to cope with the loss of their daughter who died in the 2nd trimester of pregnancy.  This is after they lost their baby boy in similar circumstances at the beginning of last summer.

The sad, devastating news have many of us who know them feeling at a loss. I talked with some of the other teachers today, and we just stood there shaking our heads in astonishment and disbelief.

I planned to stay speechless, but I felt that 'nudge' to share my story with one teacher.  I told her that I understood what they were going through because we went through the same thing. I told her Emily's Story, and then how I miscarried twins later that year. Two more miscarriages within that same year almost broke me.

I know, I will be reaching out to Sarah and her family, once again, all in due time. In the meantime, I find myself feeling frustrated with the struggle of,  What am I even going to say to her, even after all I've been through? And then my mind shifts to, How did I make it through that? How do I still manage the loss?

I realize that is what I will say to her. I will tell her about all of it, if she'll listen.

I will tell her about the support group, Mission TLC, which I attended for months at Elmbrook Church to help me heal.  I will talk about the friendships I would never have made otherwise.  I will give her the list of books, bible studies and songs that helped me the most.  I will share with her how keeping a journal was my solace. I will tell her how we memorialize Emily with a rose garden, crocheted blanket, balloons and a garden stone as part of the grieving process.  I will share with her that the roller coaster of emotions that come with the staggering stages of grief will eventually come to an end.

Acceptance.

I'd say that's a pretty good place to be.  She will get there, too.

I will share with Sarah my most precious prayers that I prayed in order to keep on breathing: "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." ~Psalm 27:13 and "Be still and know that I am God." ~ Psalm 46:10. Somehow, I needed to get that last one stenciled on my bedroom wall so I wouldn't forget it :)

Most importantly, I think what she needs to hear about is my walk of faith....God's love and faithfulness to me.  That through it all, hope was never out of my reach.  I believed that He was good no matter what my circumstances.  I will tell her how my faith was challenged like never before. And then, I will tell her how long I was angry at God and how healing it was for me to let Him know.

I will tell her that she can overcome this.

But for tonight, as she lays her head on her tear-stained pillow, and with a heavy heart, I would like her and her family to know:  

Dear Sarah~
May you feel the Lord's presence and comfort tonight like never before. You are not alone, not ever.  Let the love of God and your loved ones carry you through this difficult time because I can tell you that it will.  You are loved beyond measure by our everlasting Father.  Each day will get easier, but the hurt will always remain. He will teach you how to live with it.  I can promise you that you will smile again. God bless you, your husband and precious children, both here and in heaven.
~Lori

And So He Sleeps...

I am writing this post at 6 PM on a Saturday night. We have three kids that keep us spinning in circles so we thought pizza and a movie night would be the perfect, relaxing thing to do tonight.  We popped in the movie Frozen, provided Little Caesar's pizza, bread sticks and soda for everyone.  Food devoured, interest lost...one by one, the kids left the living room.  I kinda lost interest in the movie, too (sorry!)  Mark and I were left alone.  I thought to myself; That worked out kind of nice! because we got a "date night," even at home. Nice!  I thought. I think those parents with kids will understand.

While Mark and I finished watching Frozen, he quickly fell fast asleep, snoring included.  Honestly, at first, I was a bit irritated.  I thought the usual things like Really?! He fell asleep on me on a Saturday "date" night?! and What if this were our very first date or even third? Really?!  I got up to go huff and puff in the kitchen, and then I got my reality check.  I like to call it 'conviction.'  Ugh!  Don't you just love & hate when that happens?

I walked into the living room and watched him sleeping in what looked like a very uncomfortable position, and I thought to myself, How dare I complain about anything for one second? I was humbled faster than a millisecond.  I looked at my husband of almost 20 years (December 3rd) and the father of my children; I know full well what he has given of himself to me and our family. The sacrifices he has made for us.

For me.

I think of the long hours he worked this week without complaint of any kind.  All of these years.  I think of how stressful his job is, but he doesn't let it show.  He is really good at accepting what is.  His faith is strong and genuine.  His demeanor is the same today as it was yesterday, and it will be tomorrow.  He always puts us first. I think about all of these years that I've been sick, and he's picked up the slack.

I remember how he cooks dinner for us every night (he enjoys it...really!), and he makes sure we sit down together as a family because that is what is most important to him.  I think of him skipping his hunting trip to drive Matthew to the Amtrak station this morning for his senior trip to Colorado...his saying goodbye to our eldest, for us.  And me... understanding every emotion he felt (I had to say my good-bye at home). Then, Mark picked up our nephew from his house for a sleepover,  I watched him pay bills this afternoon (ugh! stressful!). And then, he went to pick up dinner for us.  Phew!

And so, he sleeps and I allow him to on our Saturday "date" night because I am so glad and thankful for the gift of him in our lives.  All that I have been given that I don't feel I deserve.  It doesn't go unnoticed or not appreciated.  I bless him in return by not waking him up, keeping the kids quiet, and not ever saying a word about our "date night."  I think he'll appreciate that ;)