Dear Sarah...

Today I was the substitute teacher in Luke's 6th-grade class. His teacher was at home with his family, two young boys, and his wife, trying to cope with the loss of their daughter who died in the 2nd trimester of pregnancy.  This is after they lost their baby boy in similar circumstances at the beginning of last summer.

The sad, devastating news have many of us who know them feeling at a loss. I talked with some of the other teachers today, and we just stood there shaking our heads in astonishment and disbelief.

I planned to stay speechless, but I felt that 'nudge' to share my story with one teacher.  I told her that I understood what they were going through because we went through the same thing. I told her Emily's Story, and then how I miscarried twins later that year. Two more miscarriages within that same year almost broke me.

I know, I will be reaching out to Sarah and her family, once again, all in due time. In the meantime, I find myself feeling frustrated with the struggle of,  What am I even going to say to her, even after all I've been through? And then my mind shifts to, How did I make it through that? How do I still manage the loss?

I realize that is what I will say to her. I will tell her about all of it, if she'll listen.

I will tell her about the support group, Mission TLC, which I attended for months at Elmbrook Church to help me heal.  I will talk about the friendships I would never have made otherwise.  I will give her the list of books, bible studies and songs that helped me the most.  I will share with her how keeping a journal was my solace. I will tell her how we memorialize Emily with a rose garden, crocheted blanket, balloons and a garden stone as part of the grieving process.  I will share with her that the roller coaster of emotions that come with the staggering stages of grief will eventually come to an end.

Acceptance.

I'd say that's a pretty good place to be.  She will get there, too.

I will share with Sarah my most precious prayers that I prayed in order to keep on breathing: "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." ~Psalm 27:13 and "Be still and know that I am God." ~ Psalm 46:10. Somehow, I needed to get that last one stenciled on my bedroom wall so I wouldn't forget it :)

Most importantly, I think what she needs to hear about is my walk of faith....God's love and faithfulness to me.  That through it all, hope was never out of my reach.  I believed that He was good no matter what my circumstances.  I will tell her how my faith was challenged like never before. And then, I will tell her how long I was angry at God and how healing it was for me to let Him know.

I will tell her that she can overcome this.

But for tonight, as she lays her head on her tear-stained pillow, and with a heavy heart, I would like her and her family to know:  

Dear Sarah~
May you feel the Lord's presence and comfort tonight like never before. You are not alone, not ever.  Let the love of God and your loved ones carry you through this difficult time because I can tell you that it will.  You are loved beyond measure by our everlasting Father.  Each day will get easier, but the hurt will always remain. He will teach you how to live with it.  I can promise you that you will smile again. God bless you, your husband and precious children, both here and in heaven.
~Lori

Breoine's Story

I recently had the rare pleasure of "bumping into" some old friends, ones that I hadn't seen in probably 12 years or so. One of them was my childhood friend, who we knew since we were 5, and then we attended the same high school together.

Life had taken us in different directions, as it does, and we simply had lost touch.

It was great "catching up" and reminiscing about the good old days. That sure is fun to do from time to time!

Naturally, my blog came into the conversation and she said she was going to go home & read it ... later she told us that she read the entire thing from start to finish (this info shocked Mark in a big way! ... seriously! until I explained that she's a reader, like me!}, and then he understood. :)

Her question of: Whatever happened to that one boy you helped? plus several e-mails and/or otherwise asking me the exact same thing has sparked this blog post.

But more importantly, it was what happened to me yesterday morning that got my brain (& fingers) into gear!

I was out-and-about earlier than most! :) doing some shopping, and a man in about his mid 30's approached my car just as I pulled into a parking spot and put the car in park. He approached my side window, but instinct had my fingers already rolling up the window and double-checking the lock.

The words I heard were: "I'm wondering if I could have some money to go to get something to eat at McDonalds?!" The image I saw was a man with a broken arm.

That's all I really needed to know.  

If there is something called having a millisecond-type "flashback" then I think I experienced it at that moment.
 
From the day I met Breoine on 12/28/10 until the last time I heard from him back in March ... it all came back ... fast. All of it ... and I knew I had a choice to make, then & there.

To essentially walk it out, is what I like to call it.

Walk out the lessons learned.   

Every single "warning" I had heard from the multiple law enforcement people and/or friends/ family instantly popped into my head, as well as the statements along the way such as, I bet you'll never do that again! to I am so sorry that that happened to you guys to Thank God for answered prayers.

Interestingly enough, we never heard I told you so. (Hmm ... I've often wondered why those 'words' always seem so hard to take?!)

But what I found most interesting was how Mother Teresa's poem called Do Good Anyway sort of took precedence over it all, once again, in my mind and heart ... even after all we had been through.

Yet here I was, in like real life ... blind-sided again! ... needing to decide in a moment what to do for this man.

Or not to do.

Say. Or not to say.

I took a very deep breath ...  and then first things first, I loudly told him to please back away from my car and that he needed to give me a minute.

He politely nodded, took a few steps back, and respected my request.

I gathered my stuff ... pulled myself together {prayed big time!} ... and stepped out.

I handed him some cash and gave him a 'vastly reduced readers digest version' of the advice I gave to our neighborhood boy back on my birthday, and probably something along the same lines of what I had also said to Breoine in my time spent with him.

Despite this man's attempt to engage me in his Story (and you know how I love those!), I just kept on walking {pepper spray in hand, yes indeed!}. I did actually 'catch' how he got himself in his predicament (being robbed at gunpoint recently). However, my body language plus my final words of you take care now shut him down, thankfully.

I knew a long time ago that offering  help & extending kindness to a child is a whole lot different than an adult. An adult male at that. Essentially, me alone (at least it felt this way!) in the parking lot in the early morning hours.

So with this incident happening I knew it was time to "update" my readers on how Breoine's Story ended, at least on our end, as I know how much prayer, encouragement, concern, and support was poured out on our family during that time.

The good news to report is that after his last attempt to reach me, and the words that came out of my mouth {I probably shouldn't write them here :)}, I believe made the "money train" stop once and for all.
{Thanks once again to a neighbor's advice who is on the job lending us a hand!}

What started out as an act of kindness turned into a young boy really believing we were going to adopt him, or at least take him in as a foster kid. Understandably so. But not reality. A mistake on our part.

However, this was just something he simply couldn't understand living in his situation, no matter how many times I tried to explain it to him or apologize that the help he wanted from us needed to stop.

After involving two separate police districts plus child protective services, we had come to find out that none of the eight kids living in that house was registered in any school. There was no Dad anywhere to be found ... not ever. The family had been in desperate "need." That the people I had seen at our house that day in a red car was obviously not Breoine.

In it all, I came to realize that he was telling me the truth, in his way. The only way he knew how. His cry for help. Unfortunately, we came to find out that they really didn't get the "help" they truly needed.

As Life just sometimes goes.

We got reimbursed for the fraud against us, but not by them because after his call in March, we found out that the family had once again been evicted.

So ... untraceable since then.

I had to learn to swallow that information and move on. And we have ... The Show Must Go On.

The lessons learned by my chance meeting with that boy are too many to list here, but I'll share a few!

It gave me the courage to go to The Shooter's Shop and ask someone to show me how to operate and purchase my own firearm. I also asked to be educated in every which way about gun safety and children.
{If you are a girl and want to follow my suit, then this is a great place to start with excellent customer service!, plus Tuesdays you can practice for free~}

If you do happen to go into this store, female or not! any one of the employees there were great & helpful, but do please ask for John, who was the one who took me through the whole process from start to finish. He did it all in a very kind, respectful, and compassionate manner, as I told him my reason for purchasing one in the first place. (I never, ever thought I'd be doing this either! Sure hadn't planned on that one coming!)

John is an ex-marine in his 30's, a married Dad of 2 small children, who was in our war and almost died. Living with some pretty bad injuries. His Story is worth listening to, if you've got some time.

The entire experience gave me a whole different perspective and appreciation about our freedoms in America, as well as a more real understanding of the kind of world we live in.

I hope it taught our kids some great lessons too. I sense that it did.

From time to time, they will ask & talk about Breoine. They talk about what they liked about him, what a nice boy he was. How they don't understand how they could've done that to our family. They talk about their concerns about what is going to happen to him. They remember things like how he had gotten no Christmas presents at all. Not one. And remember how much they had gotten. They remember he had only one set of clothes. And that none of the kids were going to school at all.

We talk about how Doing Good Anyway isn't always easy. In fact, it is a very difficult thing to do sometimes.

We talk about a faithful, loving God, and how we can see His fingerprints all over this one!

We talk about all that we have to be thankful for.

Funny how they liken Breoine to our cat, Buddy. He is the one cat of ours that actually purrs if you just look at him :) His name is "Buddy" for a reason.

So all is good in the Grade household, thankfully, as his Story is now told ... through mine.

I know that we will most likely never hear from any of them again, nor this boy. But the thing I pray for most of all for him in this thing called Life, the one thing I hope he remembers me saying that may actually change the course of his life someday is this: God loves you, Breoine, so so much. Never ever forget that. Not ever.

I do understand all too well how hard and difficult that is to actually believe sometimes, for each one of us, especially when Life knocks you down to your knees, time and time again. Or when nothing makes any sense at all. Or when you've lost something called hope.

But what I have learned in my Life, thus far, is this ...

Believe it.

Because it is so true. It really is!

His gifts

I have been a little "late" with my blog posts (which is really a good thing for me!) but this one, although late, is dedicated to all of the Fathers out there who I personally know and appreciate and am thankful to have in my Life. Here is a shout out to you for a job well done! For doing the very best you can.

Better late than never right?

I,  recently, have had the rare pleasure of having some really good heart-to-heart conversations with more than a few of human being "male" persons, instead of my usual females in all "communication" forms.

I must say, it has been quite interesting, intriguing, and fun!

At one point last week, I was actually the only female standing out in our backyard among 8 males. I decided to have a seat and just observe. It was quite interesting I must tell you!

The many laugh out loud belly laughs I had were good. Really, really good for me.

I've chatted with males from all walks of Life ... kids in the neighborhood ... peers of my children ... my own sons ... family members ... a widower ... single guys and divorced ... dating ... looking to date ... single Fathers ... those married with children and those without ... and of course, to my very own husband, Mark.
{I sure have been quite busy huh? Actually, I've been doing a lot more listening than anything else ... REALLY! ... no writing~}

I even got to sit down for a few hours with a married Father who was beyond ready to leave his Wife and wanted my advice. {yikes ... what to say? gulp~}

I sort of knew that all he really wanted me to do was just listen. I realized he wasn't really asking me what he should do, per se, but rather I think he just wanted someone to understand what he was going through. To know that he wasn't alone in the world. To know that there is such a thing as Hope.

After all, he was in the deepest, darkest valley of his Life sitting there at our back patio table.

And looking for answers to some of life's hardest questions.

Mark was there, too, plus all of the kids flying around here & there. He, also, was doing pretty much the same thing as I. Nodding. Asking a few questions from time to time.

Listening. Just being there. Present.  

I have been pleasantly surprised at how much  "information" that I have been able to gather by just being still.

There is so much that I did not know!, or quite "get", and I have 3 right underneath my nose! {Well, if counting the animals then we have a total of 5!} I've even "observed" their behavior. So strange ... the "same" thing happens between my cats ~ all this "wrestling" going on all of the time in every room of our house. Huh?!

And it always leads to some very strange, bizarre noises! From males and cats alike. Essentially, a fight. Always.

But, apparently, I learned this is how males show affection?! Yah, I don't quite "get" that one really ~ ;)

Plus, I grew up with a Dad and a younger brother that I learned so much from.

Mark & I had been doing a type of "study" together in recent months. He was reading "For Men Only" and I was reading "For Women Only" by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn .... just to sort of help us understand each other better to move onto the next Season of our Lives.

A few weeks back in my cleaning and organizing, I came across his book laying around and decided to read it, just for curiosity sake. 

I figured that maybe I would learn something about myself. More about him.

Us.

And I sure did. But more importantly, I learned that we really have more similarities than differences, in the big scheme of things.

I learned that that book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" only holds so much weight.

I just always assumed that men lived on a different "planet" than I. I'm sure for a fact that Mark has thought the same thing about me! Probably more so! I honestly believe males do go to a different planet sometimes (they are called caves or dens or whatever), but I learned that going to their planet isn't such a bad thing after all. 

Necessary. Critical. Needed.

They are just "wired" differently ... designed by a perfect God. With a perfect plan. A perfect Design.

What I do know for sure is that after reading the two books and processing all of my time spent with various males, is that they, also, just want what everybody wants.

To feel loved. Known and loved anyway.

The best thing of all, though, is to believe in it whole-heartedly. Without a doubt. None.

That's called Trust. The real kind.

I say Yes! to that.

Of course, I needed to add the "visuals" to complete the story. Without them, the pictures taken and the music, the Story just doesn't feel complete.

However, due to "technical" issues {always and of course! and NOT my fault!}, I am unable to share any of those with you just yet. So, please stay tuned!

All in due time.

What I will share with you now in closing is that what I see from behind the camera is one very happy guy! ... and kids! ... but what he doesn't see (I don't think?!) and quite realize is just how happy the girl is, also, ... his Wife ... who is takin' the picture of all of them because of the gift she got first.

Love.

Don't you just love that word? I sure do!

Simple & sweet.

God is good and faithful ... all of the time.
{You'll just have to trust me on that one ok? ;)}

I hope you made some really good Father's Day memories, ones that you will keep close to your heart for always.

I know I did.

Thank you, first and foremost, to my Dad for a better than job well done. And for all of the advice, spoken or not, inadvertently passed onto me or through someone else ... I was always watching, listening and learning. :) Still am. Probably always will. There is just this "thing" about girls and their Dad's. :)

Probably all females. We really, truly, do remember (& keep track of) everything!! Some, like me, actually write it all down.

And, then, of course, to the Father of my own children, Mark ... my Husband.

Thank you~ - those two simple words - for all that you've done for me, us, our family just don't seem quite adequate enough for all that needs to be said.

Some things are better felt with the heart.

And yes! all of it leaves me quite speechless. And that's a good thing!
{But, only sometimes! ... I can't stay quiet for long!} ;)

Thank you for reading my blog and for following Our Story.

I hope you "stay tuned." :)

Because, by now I think you can all agree with us~ ... that there is never a dull moment at the Grade's!

The best birthday ever!

Yesterday at 4:05 p.m. I, Lori Ann Edwards Grade, turned 39 years old! I had always thought I was born around "noonish" until I pulled out my very, very detailed baby book that my Mom so graciously filled out for each one of her children. Wow! What a gift, a treasure!

Priceless.

I guess in having my own babies & focusing on filling out their baby books and scrapbooking every single picture of their lives, I had forgotten about me. About what time I was born. Or what I even weighed. {4 lbs. 14 oz. for those curious minds like mine!}

So easy for us Wives and Mothers out there to do. So, so easy.

Everybody really.

I have been in the middle of what I like to call a "life review." A very, very good thing I might add, and I would suggest highly as a healing "tool." Learned this after reading Jane Fonda's book called My Life So Far.

Doing it especially around or near your birthday is quite healing.

Thankfully, luckily, I wrote down every single thought, feeling, event ... everything! in my Life from the time I was age 15 up until the present moment, literally. {I guess I got this from my mom after all~}

In my cleaning out of closets and "nesting", I came across all of my past journals. I decided to put them in chronological order and then decided to just sit down and read them ... all 40 of them. Just for fun, "old times sake." To fill up my 'midnight wanderings'.

I never quite realized how much writing was and is therapy for me. Words. Spoken and written.

My way of communicating the best way for me. My love language.

Without it, this 'form' of communication of mine, to and from others ... I don't think I would've made it to my 39th birthday.

Seriously. Honestly. Literally.

Yet, I also read through everyone else's notes, cards, poetry & journals in return to me.

It sure was a lot to process, I must tell you.

But oh-so-necessary and the perfect timing. As it always is.

I could, then, begin to see & feel it from a different perspective. Of course, not my own anymore. I had just read through 40 journals of mine and had already done that. I 'got' me. I was trying to understand others and the way the "pieces" all fit together.

Of my Life.

So after a very fun-filled, laugh out loud morning with just Meggie & I {we got our toes 'painted' and shopped and talked}, plus a nap! and a nice family dinner ... singing, cheesecake ... flowers {of course!} plus! ... all of the gifts/cards/facebook messages/well wishes of all kinds~ Thank you for remembering me on my day!

After all, everyone likes to be remembered. Especially on their birthday, in some form or another.

Nothing ever goes unnoticed by me. Never. Trust me~ ;) And yes! I do write it all down.

But, before I left for my "Friends Only" night out to the Safe House {Secret ... shhh! I cannot tell anyone who I met up with ~ The Story ~ not yet, anyways -- I sense another blog post stirring & pics coming too~}, I think I "got" the best birthday gift of them all before I even got to my car door!

All out of the mouth, His question of Why?, of a 12-year old neighbor boy whose Life is in the darkest of valleys. He is in the worst pit of his Life right now. And he had no one else to talk to, but me.

I, literally, had my arms overloaded (like all of the time!) with stuff about to drop, trying to get open the gate, hold my keys ... blah, blah, blah :) and there he was.

I don't believe in anything anymore as just being a coincidence.

Nope. No such thing. Nor luck, either.

I needed to get to my "party" and was running late (oh no! internal panic for Lori!), but I decided to give this boy a moment of my time. Just a moment. That's all it took, really.

And, funny how Life works, how it always seems to come back around full circle.

The advice I gave him is the advice I needed to hear myself by the end of my day ... My Birthday ... and I am sure at the end of his, as well. I hope I answered his question. I did it in the best way I knew how. I sense that I did.

I hope he slept as peacefully as I did last night, finally.

What I learned in my Life is that the best birthday gifts of all sometimes aren't always in the things, or gifts, or time spent with people even.

But in the lessons learned & taught. Those are the best gifts, I must say.

The lessons are the gifts.

And gifts are meant to be shared with others. Always. Passed on. To help others along in their journey.

To be learned from. In order to grow. Evolve. In order to close Chapters of our lives. Move on. Forward. To what Good is coming next.

The "advice" (couldn't help it~ ... went into 'Teacher mode') I gave this young boy, really a "kid" just trying to find his way in Life, just like all of us ... after his question of: Mrs.Grade, but how do I believe in a God who I feel is doing all of this to punish me; to get back at me? was one I knew I needed to hear then myself, and later again, and will have to probably remind myself of up until the day I take my final breath is this:

No, no, no honey!!! ... You have to stop believing all of those lies in your head. God is NOT doing this to you. God loves YOU so, so, so much that He is right there next to you all of the time. Your very best friend in the best of times and the worst of times. Just talk to Him because He, particularly, loves to hear & answer the prayers of His children! He is always listening even when others aren't. God is good. You just have to trust me on that one ok? Because I've, also, walked a very, very similar road to you, almost exactly like you, and I understand. I really, really do. You are not alone. Never forget that. Never.

He nodded his head, his beautiful blue eyes {Ray Liota in the making ;) girls watch out!} connected with mine, off he went on his scooter, off I went to my final birthday "surprise."

To my gifts.

Everyone likes to be ... needs to be ~ heard, seen, and known.

All is well, as it always is, as it always has been, as it always will be.

A very good birthday indeed! ;)

Probably my Best.

I must say a very good way to start my next year, my next Chapter, my next Season of Life, wouldn't you say?

My next Journal.

Maybe I'll go out and buy myself a brand new one and pretty pen~ TODAY! with some of that birthday money I got in the mail! {Thanks Dad!} But first, I will put on my new t-shirt that says Life is good on it & then fill up my Life is good coffee mug all covered in pink hearts with some good stuff! {Thanks Deb!} and head out.

But first, before I go ... I definitely will stop and smell my roses. And give thanks.

And I think I will definitely start my next journal off with the advice that I gave & got back in return to that sweet child ... write it down ... (and probably every one from now on) , as a "reminder" to me to never forget the gift I was given in return on my 39th Birthday ... that flew right out of my own mouth! Ha!

Priceless. Ironic, in a "funny" way. A good way ;)

I will share another lesson with you, in closing, that I learned & believed in a long, long time ago that I truly believe in still to this day . Whole-heartedly. I hope it "gets you thinking" & "processing" ~

"There are 3 things that are never meant to be broken: hearts, toys & promises."

That is just the simple Truth of it all; I love the simple things.

Thank you!, my Readers, my Friends~ for reading my blog first off! but then, also, for your Love & Friendship that you showed me on My day. Thank you for using 1 of your spoons on me.

I am so grateful. Blessed.

Who inspires you?

In the spirit of getting more 'comment flow' in that section of my blog, I'm throwing out a question to you, my readers, in the hopes that you will respond! 

So, to encourage some feedback from all of you (I'm getting a little lonely on my end~), I would like to know:

Who inspires you?

Come on~ don't be shy! Just list whomever INSPIRES you in some fashion or another ... someone who just makes your heart feel Happy inside when you think of them or their Life or their Story encourages or uplifts you in some way. Maybe it is someone who you really feel has contributed something good to the world in some way.
(Oh!~, and fyi, you can post at the bottom 'anonymously' if you so wish, but it'll still be fun for me and others to see your name in black & white)

Well, since this is my blog, I guess I'll go first ... :)

Hmm?!

I really have quite a long list of names of people who Inspire me ... if I had to start listing them, I am sure it would reach the thousands upon thousands.

Who & what comes instantly to my mind and heart is our Luke who participated in the 2nd Grade Living Wax Museum recently, and he chose to be Reggie White.
(Yah, I agree Luke~ ... he had a Story worth telling and you did a fine job of doing that!)

So, in answer to my own question of Who inspires me?, I will start with my Number One, and that being Jesus Christ, because for me, personally, He and His Life and His Story tops the cake as far as Who inspires me the most in my Life.

Secondly, in the spirit of Oprah Winfrey's 25 year 'retirement' next week from her television show, I will list her as someone who Inspires me in a big way ... the Story of her Life.

And so ~ in Honor and Thanksgiving of Her and the Love she has brought & shared with the whole world, but particularly to me, in some fashion or another (I actually went to Chicago to her show in 1998 ~ all thanks to Mark for finally getting me those tickets!!), I would like to speak of what she has taught me personally over the years, as I essentially grew up with her.

I was, after all, only 12 years old when I started watching her show and learning from her about Life.

All the lessons that I learned from either watching her over the years unfold her Story or by listening to someone she had on her show or a book or author she recommended ... on and on I could go.

Her gifts to me, personally, have simply been priceless and too many to list here. And, the great thing is, I know many, many people feel the same as I do.

Oprah just simply Inspires me ... the person that she is and the person she has so graciously and openly shared with the whole world.

Her Story. Her Life. All of it inspires me.

Her Story of coming up and out of a broken home; to surviving the sexual abuse of a relative; to losing her own baby at the tender age of 14; to fighting food addiction, weight issues, health problems, lawsuits ...

What I most love about her, though, is her willingness to just be herself with others and to not be afraid to be real. She is so willing to show people her heart. She is so willing to be open and honest and vulnerable and transparent with people. She is teachable. She just lays her heart right out there for the whole world to see. And yes ~ I've watched people trample all over it throughout the years and have also watched her endure the criticism and heartache, yet she just kept pushing forward and pressing on through it all with grace and dignity.

I like to call that perseverance.

We've seen her cry with people, laugh loud and big when people are overcome by joy and happiness in their own lives (and this is mostly due to her own generosity & thoughtfulness). We've watched her grace people with many, many gifts of material items and much more. She loves to give back. Pay it forward.

Love.

It is these kind of people that Inspire me.

I would love to share this you tube video with you that was sent to me in an e-mail from a friend. This person, Carrie Underwood --  well ... let me just say that she, too, also inspires me in a big, big way ... Her Story.

This recording is definitely something worth watching is all I got to say!

To enjoy the full video and music, you will need to hit the "Pause" button on my music player at the bottom of the page, first -- and then hit the "Play" button on the video.
{And for an extra special bonus ;) I am giving you some additional 'hints' of others to add to the list of inspirational people ... like who is also in the video with her, plus the lady that he is married to and even the audience members who give her a standing ovation!}

Enjoy!~

Now, if you follow the famous television show called American Idol like I have, then I think you will also agree with me that Carrie ... this simple farm girl from Oklahoma! ... is simply inspirational, too.

And for 'dedication' sake in my blog-posting-style of mine, I would like to dedicate this one to someone much more dear to my heart than Oprah or Carrie or Vince or Amy, and that being my very own husband, Mark, because today he turns 41! And, quite honestly, I feel pretty lucky that he came into the world, as I know many of you reading also do.

But, most importantly, Mark Inspires me more so than any other human being on earth ... my Husband and the Father of our kids.

Because, he, too, like all of them ... just simply loves, loves, loves ... {and if you have the pleasure of knowing my guy well - like I do, then I know many of you will be nodding your head in agreement as you read this ~ adults & many kids alike!}

Mark does Pay It Forward. He serves and gives and teaches and continues to remain true and humble to his most important calling on His Life. And that makes me, his Wife, feel very Happy inside, today, and every day, but especially on today ... his Birthday.

So here's a shout out to you, my hubby, Mark ...

Enjoy Today ... your Birthday! :) We hope you love all of the 'stuff' the kids wanted to get you ... like your big chocolate chip cookie "cake" and your Happy Birthday balloon, the donuts for breakfast, the gifts & cards, seeing the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie on the big screen ... but above all else, we know what you truly treasure & love & adore -- and that is time spent with us! So thank you for all you do and who you are. Love ya' ~

As I end this blog post, I "dare" or ha! -- shall I say "challenge" someone to go next ... or shall I say 'first' ?! in answering my question ... to add to my already started list of favorites as you can already see~

After all,  ... if you know me, Lori, well enough by now from my blog or otherwise, you will know that I am definitely keeping track 'somewhere' of my Favorite's List of the Most Inspirational People! ... there is a recorded version somewhere, but it is definitely on real live paper & using a pen, instead of a key stroke!

{Yes ... you guessed it! Probably in a journal of some kind, somewhere ... you know how I love those things!}

So, here goes ... the 'survey' is now on :)) ... on your mark, get set, go ~

Who inspires YOU?

Happy 41st Birthday! Thank you! We love you!

My gifts

If you didn't get a chance to read my last blog post about what I was really wanting and needing for Mother's Day this year, then read the previous entry to get a 'recap' ... to bring yourself 'up to speed' on what is happenin' in the Grade household ... because the truth be told -- there is definitely not one dull moment at this house! ;)

I am happy to report that my sweet, endearing husband, Mark, did in fact read my blog "in time", as I knew he would, and he gave me much, much more than I asked for.

Our kids came through for me ... they all did, as they always do ~ as they always have.

I'll let the pictures speak for themselves~ because ... Yes! -- there are times when I, Lori, am speechless! :)

And I have learned that sometimes there are no words needed -- to be spoken or written.

Hmm ... sort of how some would describe something called Love. At least this is how I like to describe it.

I got exactly what I needed ... much more than I ever wanted ... the gift on the best Mother's Day ever ~ and it wasn't even in any of the stuff.

However, as a friendly reminder to them (in case they might be reading this) ... you'll probably be seeing this beautifully handmade Sign on your Mom's bedroom door much more often ~ and that is not a bad thing!

Because I do come out of my Mom's Den a much, much happier person!

And in the Grade home, we have all found out that there is some definite truth to that age old saying If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy~

Well, if you ask me from looking at this first picture, we all look pretty darn happy ~ and what you cannot see is that the guy behind the camera ... the one takin' the picture is Smilin' bigger than all of us! ;)

My Mother's Eulogy

I think that I know and have heard every single song that Elvis Presley wrote or sang. I'm pretty sure that I saw every movie that he was ever in. When I was a teenager, I even read his ex-wife's book to learn about their Story. 

And it was quite a Story, yet so very sad. Sort of like my Mom's Story. 

Sort of like my very own.

My Mom simply adored this King of Rock n' Roll. 

She just connected with him in some very deep, soul kind of way.

My mom even had a room in her final earthly home "dedicated" to him ... pictures and memorabilia ... all her collectibles of him and his Life; we called it The Elvis Room and still do.
My sister and I "take turns" sleeping in that room. It brings me comfort and peace sleeping in there, as I suspect it does for her too.

Sadly, my Mom never got to see the one place in the entire world that I know would've made her the happiest, and that being Graceland. 

As a child our home was constantly filled with Elvis music and many other "oldies but goodies" blasting from the record player or tape deck ... music just filled up our home ... and many, many times I'd catch my mom singin' right along ... while she took care of her Home, and all of us ... her Family.

And she was doing it all in the best way she knew how ... in the only way she knew how ... in the only way she was shown and learned herself.

Now that I am so much "older and wiser" ... the Wife of Mark for the past 16 years ... a few bumps under my belt ... plus the privilege of being called Mom myself, I have a whole new understanding and appreciation for what she was trying  to teach me so long ago ~

I can now see all of the sacrifices she made of herself for us, especially to my Dad. She loved him with her whole being. She served him in some way, in some fashion right up until her death. But more importantly, I can now appreciate the sacrifices she made for me ...

her Daughter. 

The one child of hers that she knew she hurt the most, and so did I. 

I was the one child of their "4" that she knew that she wounded in the deepest possible way, and so did I. 

I was the one child out of her living 3 that she felt she had fallen too far for me to love or forgive.

I was so angry at her when I sat on her death bed; I looked her straight in the eyes; I asked her boldly if she had any regrets. The silence was long and hard for me to bare because in my heart I knew what I wanted to hear, but sort of already knew what was coming. 

Her answer of No.

That wasn't at all what I was hoping to hear by any means. I didn't get the answer I was needing or hoping for or wanting; neither did she. I held back and so did she. We both felt it. We both knew. We both shut down.

Words didn't need to be spoken at all.

All I wanted to hear, all I needed to hear ... she didn't say.

She just couldn't get the words out; and neither could I. 

She probably couldn't after what cancer and its treatments did to her physical body, plus what the battle of alcoholism raging in her body did to her mind, heart, and soul.  

She wasn't a healthy woman by any means. And neither was I.

But on a much deeper level, my Mom just couldn't say those words I needed to hear so desperately because she needed to hear them, too, from me, her middle Child ... her Daughter. 

I can now see and appreciate how much I was truly loved and accepted by her. 

I now know what we both needed that day to be said; the words that were left unsaid. 

The words that would've freed us both then, but instead, I got freed two years later. 

She had gotten freed immediately when she took her final breath.

And I know for sure that if I had a chance for a re-do with her, knowing what I know now, living through what I have lived through since her death, that I definitely would have done it in this way instead ... sort of in an "Elvis kind of way" ~

I would've grabbed hold of that woman, my Mother, all 80 pounds of her ... and I would've clung to that empty shell of a human being. And then I would've looked straight into her big beautiful blue eyes, eyes that held so much misunderstood sadness & pain, and I would've said loudly and clearly in my loud, fast talkin', passionate kind of way ... these words that we both needed to say and hear to Heal ...

I LOVE YOU... I FORGIVE YOU ...

It is okay ... I am going to be okay ... just go! Be free!

Live!

I couldn't say these words to her back then on her death bed, nor at her Memorial Service because my heart wasn't in the right place, but it is now. 

This really good place of being able to Honor and Celebrate Her Life.

So today when I think of my Mom who is in Heaven, I have a 'word picture' now of her that I choose to focus on ... to treasure ... to cherish that memory, instead of all of the old ones. 

I've let those go a long time ago.

I have this "image" of her smiling, happy, boisterous self ... singin' right along with this Elvis' tune and of course! ...  this just has to be added in ... after all, I am talkin' about Karen Edwards here ... 

She is definitely shakin' her hips, drinkin' her beer & smokin' those darn cigarettes!

But most importantly, the thing that stands out the most for me in that image
is the  

Light in her eyes and the Smile on her face!

Now that is a good picture I chose to keep close to my heart until we meet again.

If you happened to have been in my Mom's Life in some way then you were given a very rare precious gift to be treasured forever. 

She was one very special Lady that is truly missed each day.

So in Honor of Her, this Day, in Celebration of her Life ... I will end this post ... my Eulogy to my Mom, Karen Aurelia Edwards, with these words ~

Thank You!
Happy Mother's Day!

In Loving Memory of Karen Aurelia Edwards 12/14/46 - 5/4/07

To read the full obituary please click here.

The Voice of Truth

I was really looking forward to the month of February this year, for some reason. More so than ever before.

I was actually feeling something of excitement in the air as I thought of Valentine's Day approaching, and all that comes with it - flowers, candy, pink (I just love pink!) and LOVE.

I need to state right here that this is NOT like me at all - just ask Mark. I've never really been big into this holiday at all. I am always appreciative when he buys me flowers and a nice card, but we usually don't "celebrate" it, if you know what I mean.

Also, I was excited about February coming because I was going to be getting away by myself for 6 whole days!! You wives and mothers out there know exactly what I am saying!! No laundry, carpooling, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning.....Ahh!

I was scheduled to go to LaFayette, IN for a biblical counseling training conference at the beginning of the month. This was going to be my second time going, as I also attended back in 2006.

So I was looking forward to February and all that it would bring, especially in the middle of winter in Wisconsin, right? ;) Unfortunately, the State of Indiana greatly mimics Wisconsin so I wasn't going to warm, beach-like weather, but that was okay because I was going to be indoors practically the entire time anyway.

What I didn't realize then, was that February, this "month of Love" that I was so looking forward to, was going to at the tail end of it, shake my faith to its very core.

I didn't realize that I would come face to face with what I now believe, was and has been the BIGGEST obstacle of my very own Life, literally and figuratively; the WALL that was stopping me from healing from Lyme Disease once and for all...the WALL that I needed to knock down if I ever wanted to have Shalom, in my life on earth. And I am not talking about peace and rest that comes from a body free of physical symptoms. I am talking about a Peace within.

Because I have learned in my journey through Life that pursuing physical health while dismissing or ignoring or not addressing or whatever the other "parts" of me, that is, my heart and soul, would never, ever bring me the Peace I was truly after.

As I sat before many humble, servants of God speak and teach Truth and Love to all of us, all 1,600 of us...from 20 different countries, and 40 different states...all gathering together to be filled with what I was also pursuing and needing so much in my own life, I learned that my WALL had a name, finally...Phew! Yippee! I thought. I get it!

Now all I have to DO if I want healing, in my physical body...but more so in my mind and soul, is to just KNOCK IT DOWN!

This is what I was thinking about and pondering in the days returning from my trip.

The thing is, I knew it wasn't going to be easy for me at all. I mean, COME ON, let's be realistic here, my friends and readers - I have a "Type A" personality. I have control issues. I am driven to accomplish whatever I set my mind to. I am a perfectionist. And yes, these "traits" of mine have helped me so much in my life; these "gifts" of mine have been used for good. I know this to be true. However, they were no longer working for me any longer. In fact, they were actually working against me.  

Because, physically speaking, a human body can really only handle so much right? God did not design our bodies to operate and function under so much stress, inner and outer.

So at least now I had a name for my WALL and I could begin the process of knocking it down. I knew enough by then to know that this was going to be a slow walk between me and God because of my "nature", but also realizing that my Life is a journey after all - not a sprint...but a marathon. And I am use to running, instead of walking. I am use to striving, instead of being still. I am use to doing, instead of being.

And I've learned that it is about pruning and growing...pruning and growing...all along the way, but always in the name of LOVE.

Always. No matter what. No matter what I have experienced in my life. Death. Loss. Gut-wretching grief. Buckets and buckets of tears collected.

Ohhh... but I have to STOP myself and remember my blessings...my gifts straight from Heaven above...all flowing through my God's loving fingertips...where in the world could I possibly even begin to start a thank you note to God? I'm mean, seriously. Think about it.

Let's see...how about I just simply start with - Thank you God for this day. Thank you that You gave me the breath to take to live this day... 

I learned that THAT is where my focus needs to be moment by moment, NOT on what I didn't get or want, or deserved, but rather on I was given what I needed because I was loved so much.

Not based on the circumstances of my Life, but rather on the WHO of my Life. My Creator. My Holy Father. My Giver of Gifts. My Lord of Lords. My Mighty Father.

My Healer

Because it is ALL coming from His Loving Hands. All of it....it is ALL in the name of LOVE.

And to knock down this WALL of mine that I had built pretty high up around my heart based on what I needed to do at the time to make it through...

I needed to Trust.

So THAT is what it came down to for me, once and for all.

Trust

I recently learned that for me this is the bridge between belief and faith.

Who am I going to believe IN when the next trial comes? Because the Truth is - being motivated by FEAR had really gotten me nowhere towards my goal of healing. My goal of obtaining Peace.

So I decided to start taking each step in faith, instead of fear. It was a choosing on my part.

Because my heart and mind sure needed leading, as I no longer trusted myself at the job. I knew that much to be true by then. It just wasn't working for me any longer.

The truth is:
I just didn't realize that my "test" was going to come so fast and so strong and so real in the way it did...

I was blindsided, quite simply. Absolutely 100% blindsided. I just hate when that happens!

This "test" took everything out of me. It really, truly put my faith to the test. Were my words and actions going to match up with what I now knew to be TRUE?

Was I, Lori, going to believe the Voice of Truth over anyone else's? Bottom line.

WAS I GOING TO KNOCK DOWN THIS WALL OF MINE - FEAR - ONCE AND FOR ALL AND WALK IN FAITH?

I believed I passed the test... ;-) BUT with A LOT of help along the way...with A LOT of prayer that lifted and carried me to this point...with A LOT of Love pouring into me...

I am so humbly thankful to all of you who were there for me, and our family, in the midst of my WALL coming down...I hope you know who you are...that I have expressed my thankfulness and gratitude to you... If not, I hope you will accept it here and now as you read this.

With that being said, the road to here, right now in this moment, has not been easy by any means...

What I am comfortable sharing with all of you, my readers, in this type of venue is this:

The decision Mark & I made back in December to help out Breoine and his family...our "Do Good Anyway" approach that we had taken - well, it didn't turn out the way we expected.

Although we were lovingly advised from the start about the "possibility" of us being "scammed", I didn't believe it would end up where it has.

I never thought I would hear from him again. After all, at the end of January, I called and got the police department and child protective services involved in his case. I was assured that he and his family would be taken care of.

With much relief and thankfulness, really, I moved on with my life. I went to Indiana. I returned. I continued to battle the symptoms of Lyme Disease, but I knew with a much better focus this time around...and I was feeling lighter and less frazzled, honestly, even though my physical symptoms hadn't really changed.

And then FEAR came knocking on my door. Literally.

And once again, it paralyzed me. I got STUCK. Ugh! I thought I was making progress...

Oh...and then, slowly...prayerfully, I remembered all I had learned in Indiana...all the Truth I had let fill me to overflowing into my heart and mind...all that I was currently in the midst of trying to do in my Life...

KNOCK DOWN MY WALL OF FEAR 

But, come on God! I cried out. Seriously? In this way? Now? COME ON! I need more time!!!

No. The answer came strong and clear. This is where the rubber meets the road.

Choose Lori: FAITH or FEAR

No other options. That's it. It is now or never.

What do I want Matthew, Megan, and Luke to SEE in ME about my walk with God? What do I want them to learn and know about God even in the midst of this darkness? Wow! That thought sure stopped me dead in my tracks.

Do I want them to see that my choices are motivated by FEAR? No way. Life is hard enough all on its own. They will get knocked down, time and time again. That is just Life.

I want my children to see through me and the way I respond to this current trial that having faith is so much more than just saying the "right" words or saying empty prayers to a genie in the sky.  Having true faith, for me, has been walking the walk...and I mean that quite literally. And it has been the scariest time of my life, quite honestly. I have never, ever experienced FEAR of this magnitude before. Yes, I have been fearful of a lot of things....but more on a personal, intimate level.

Not real, live active FEAR like this. Afraid to step outside of our door kind of fear. Paralyzing fear of the "unknown" and the "what-if's" happening'

I want them to KNOW that they KNOW that they KNOW in the days ahead that...really, for the rest of their days on this earth:

They are Loved beyond measure and Pursued relentlessly by our Father in Heaven, who is and always will be their Protector, no matter what life brings them. And that God is the Mighty One. That He is Good. And that most importantly, even in darkness, light dawns for the upright!

I want them to know they do not need to fear bad news as long as their hearts are steadfast. As long as they are trusting in the Lord. As long as they listen and obey the Voice of Truth...that is where true safety and protection and love are found.

I want them to learn from this whole situation to Stand Firm in the "gap"...I want them to learn and know WHO they are in Christ Jesus and the POWER that is within them. Because that is the ONLY way one can stand firm in this world.

I want them to learn that people are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered, but FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY. I don't want this to stop them from Doing Good Anyway - ever, especially if it is Love and Peace guiding their steps.

God says DO NOT BE AFRAID.  He says, YOU ARE DOING THIS FOR ME.  He says the waves are going to call out my name and laugh at me and try to CRUSH me; that the Giants will try to put my WALL back up...

No! I will no longer accept that!

I will CHOOSE to listen and believe the Voice of Truth!

Faith, not fear...faith, not fear...faith, not fear...

And each step is grounded in not only faith at this point, but also good wise counsel from dear family and friends, and even from a veteran Police Officer with that Brooklyn, New York accent speaking Truth to my soul...because after all, he has seen so much more in the world than I, that is for sure.

I was ignorant of the reality of the world we live in. I accept that. I have been somewhat "sheltered", even growing up with a Police Officer for a dad. I have been busy for the past 14 years tending to our home and children. 

With that being said, I am still thankful for ALL of it.  

And, most importantly, I have learned and realized that hindsight is always 20/20. Don't you just love that?

And even with my now "20/20 vision", I would not change a thing.

Why? You may ask... and some already have, and I'm sure many of you are wondering the same thing.

I've learned in a BIG way that there comes a time in Life when the questions just need to cease, just STOP once and for all...

and FAITH begins...and FAITH guides the way

Breoine needed my help that day and Love guided my steps. I will never, ever regret that. And I completely understand how "irrational" or "foolish" that may seem to some of you who are reading my blog. I can and do accept that.

I've also learned and have come to appreciate on a much, much deeper level just what my own dad and sister have given of themselves to protect and serve all of us. And then my mind travels to all of the other people we know in law enforcement in just our circle...from the family we carpool with...to my dear friend's husband...to our 2 neighbors right down the street...

I have a whole new sense of Honor and Respect for their profession.

So, as we take safety and security measures to protect ourselves and our home, would you please keep us in your prayers? We continue to hope and pray that Peace will be restored in our lives and our home.

I know that in the days following 2/24/11 up until right this very minute, that prayer is what has sustained me.

Most specifically, can you pray for ME....that I will be able to continue to STAND FIRM and walk in faith and not fear - each step along the way...that this young boy and his family truly get the help they need.

Thank you for reading my blog and my story...I appreciate so much all of the love, encouragement, and support you have so graciously bestowed upon our family.

I would like to end this very difficult post to write, on a "positive" and "encouraging" note, not one of gloom and doom. I do believe All is well.

As this month of "Love" comes to a close...I have to remind myself over and over again, as I was also doing  back in January when I was so eagerly anticipating what February would bring for me is this:  

Now these three remain:

Faith, Hope, and Love.

But the Greatest of these is Love.

1 Corinthians 13:13

Honestly, I was sort of expecting maybe, possibly... a dozen roses from Mark, not all of this...when I had Valentine's Day on my brain. See how I am trying to find the humor in all of this? I do so because I have also learned since last week Thursday that a really good - straight from your belly kind of LAUGH - will make the load feel lighter! So please feel free to send me some good jokes!


Thank you for reading my story. Thank you for your prayers, encouragement, support as our family takes this leap of faith...

Warmly and with much love,
Lori

To find out more information about the biblical counseling conference I attended please click here:
http://www.jconline.com/article/20110212/LIFE07/102120314/Biblical-counseling-students-hope-to-keep-Christ-in-the-message-
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1859778219268&oid=286127038505&comments

My battle with Lyme Disease

{A friendly warning: a long post because it's unfortunately a long story}


Who would have thought that a tiny, black, creepy little bug, could cause such havoc on the human body? That a bug, smaller than your pinky fingernail, could totally turn your life upside down? Well, definitely not me! Gosh, growing up in Wisconsin, it seemed like everyone knew about ticks and Lyme Disease. It really never seemed to be a big deal really. You were just warned to pay extra special attention in the summer. Mostly, I remember us worrying more for our dogs, than for us. No one ever worried about getting bit or any long terms effects. As kids, we vacationed "up north" near Montello, WI and it was very, very rare to not see us kids running around at night with our flashlights. Or ever not being outside. It was great fun!

When Megan was just a baby, she had a tick stuck on her head. Mark did his magic and took care of it. Never thought about it again, especially after our dog, Cally, died in 2007.

That was until last summer when one test turned things around for me.

You see, I had been struggling with chronic health problems up until that point for a long, long time. Since high school, I never felt quite right; always so, so fatigued. I battled with depression for years. In college I would schedule my classes around my nap time. I thought everyone operated this way. It never dawned on me that people didn't feel as sick as I did.

In a few years time, I completed my Teaching Degree when Matthew and Megan were still very small. My student teaching involved 4 months of full-time work while Mark worked the weekends to compensate. During this time, I was also in the midst of the roller coaster ride of grief. Then along came our special blessing, Luke, after a long time of waiting. His early life brought many challenges for both of us battling thrush and me needing a kidney stone removed when he was just 2 weeks old. In 2007, I lost my mom to cancer and our beloved dog, Cally, went to Rainbow Bridge. Do you think God was trying to get my attention? Only He knows why it took so much.

I continued to push myself despite feeling worse and worse. After all, I was trying to raise a family! I couldn't just take some sick days. We all just tried to adapt to "mom is always sick & can't get better" mentality. What a hopeless situation we were in. At least that is how it looked and felt.

It was all just too much for my poor body and soul to handle. Our bodies weren't designed to withstand so many years of emotional, spiritual, and physical stress. So mine shut down. I had kept myself so busy that I didn't notice how much the years of stress were damaging my being, on all levels.

I recall the exact moment the crash came: I was riding on a spinning bike right after Christmas 2007 trying to burn off those calories we all gain. All of a sudden, I felt this overwhelming dark cloud engulf me, stopping me dead in my tracks (or shall I say dead in my peddle stroke?) I remember thinking, "Something is just not right with me."

This began the quest to find out what was wrong with me. I've had every "test" under the sun, many diagnoses, hours and hours on the Internet searching for answers. How many times I'd sit in front of a doctor and he'd be shaking his head saying, "I just don't know what to do anymore."  I started going from doctor to doctor to doctor....even for our 14-year wedding anniversary, Mark & I drove to see a "Specialist" in Pennsylvania. I was that desperate to get well. I would do whatever it took.

So, I spent about 3 years going around in circles, either getting worse from the crazy medications and doses, or I didn't have any improvements at all. I was swallowing so many pills and supplements that I'd forget what I'd taken or not taken. All awhile we were watching our money fly out the window. I was stuck in a vicious never ending cycle of hopelessness and despair. There seemed no way out, no place else to turn.

The best way I can describe how I've felt the majority of my life, and honestly, still do on a daily basis is to compare it to how it felt when you were a teenager or a college student and you pulled an "all-nighter". Maybe some of you still do that, but unless you have a baby, I think that is something you might want to fix :) That just cannot be good for the body. Anyway, do you remember how you felt that next day? Like a truck hit you? Like it took so much energy to even put two thoughts together, let alone function in life? Now imagine feeling that way, yet still having to work or take care of a family or go to school or even take care of simple tasks such as laundry and eating? And it's not only the debilitating fatigue. That is just the main common symptom all people with disease share. Add on a host of many other symptoms, many times excruciating pain. That is what people with chronic illness go through on a daily basis, sometimes even hourly.

Usually a good nights sleep would take care of the problem. Not for me, nor for many, many people out there suffering with ill health. No matter how much sleep I could ever possibly get would never, ever make me feel rested. I somehow have been able to keep going, one foot in front of the other. In God's great mercy, strength, and faithfulness, He is carrying me.

Finally, I went to my regular doctor for a yearly "check-up" and she ended up referring me to a Hematologist. During my consult, he said something like, "It looks to me like you have some sort of chronic infection or virus that has worn down your immune system." He ran some additional tests. All I knew was that I was very, very sick and had no clear direction anymore on how to get better.

I came home and thought about what he said, and then I remembered in all my years of diligently searching for answers on the Internet, I recalled reading "if you are chronically ill and have not been able to get better, you should be tested for Lyme Disease." My immediate thought was, "That's not me. I don't remember being bit by a tick or having a rash. I don't have joint pain." But then again, I did frolic in the up north woods every summer as a child. Hmmm...

This began my research into the best, most accurate, recommended test, treatment and doctor for Lyme Disease in Wisconsin. (Can you tell I'm a researcher?) My eyes were opened to the vast world of those suffering with Lyme. I already knew that the normal lab test your doctor would run was highly inaccurate - many, many false negatives. I figured I might as well get the most accurate test to just rule it out, never ever expecting that I had it. And, plus, out of the 15+ doctors I went to, no one ever suggested this as even a remote possibility.

When the results came back positive, I almost fell over. By this point, I knew all too well what this disease entailed, and I didn't even want to go there. A tick-borne bacteria infection that overtakes your body. A disease that some say you can never get rid of. A disease which carries right along with it, many, many other infections. The controversy about what treatment type is best is a confusing, never-ending cycle.

My Lyme Specialist thinks that I've had the disease for over 20 years. The cause of my other diseases: Celiac Disease, Hashimoto's, Hypopituitary, and Addison's Disease.  Finally, an answer, some direction. The treatment: to start high doses of a various antibiotics immediately for a long period of time, and to keep trying different combinations until something worked. OK - let's go. Let's eradicate this sucker and his friends.....that was in July 2009.

After 8 months of treatment, and no progress made, plus the heaviness of life finally taking its toll, I reached a place of complete brokenness, both in body and spirit. I knew the only way I could keep going was to look Up and reach Out. To surrender and let God put the pieces back together in His way, not mine.

So I began the process of renewing my mind and heart: to finally accept a life of sickness. I knew that I would somehow have to find a way to try and live with it, instead of fighting it. However, I also knew that I couldn't allow my Spirit to also stay in such a sick, broken place, like my body. That would've been no life at all, for me or my family. I knew I would have to work hard at finding joy in the land of the living in the physical condition I was in, and that I couldn't rely on my strength anymore. I pressed on and pressed forward. But deep in my heart, there was always this little nugget of Truth that God was still up to something. So that's what I clung to: HOPE.

Soon afterward, I was referred to Dr. Brian Borden in Fond du Lac. He had a reputation of using alternative means along with antibiotics to successfully eradicate Lyme Disease. I knew he was my last chance, and so did he. There was nowhere else to go. Thankfully, and with praise, I must report that since March I have  been working with 3 doctors. I like to think of them as my "team." They have finally pieced together a road map towards physical healing for me.

Finally, for the first time ever, I've seen slight improvements; many ups and downs. Nothing earth-shattering or else you would have heard about it by now. I may actually have hired the local news to do a story on me! Anyway, it is a very, very slow process. I've accepted that I still have a long way to go; that I can only be in control of some things.  I do know that physical healing is now within my grasp; I can feel it. I just need to be patient in the waiting and to be open to what God has in store for me in the meantime. As much as I wanted a spontaneous miracle to heal me physically (and still do!), I know that there were and are still many more pressing matters of the heart that need to be addressed first.

I need to make myself clear: Lyme Disease is an epidemic, especially in states like Wisconsin. Its symptoms mimic anything from fibromyalgia, arthritis, chronic fatigue syndrome to Parkinson's, autism, and multiple sclerosis plus many more. People have been diagnosed with a disease, but are getting worse or not getting better. Or they get labeled with "chronic fatigue syndrome," which has no cure. There are so few trained doctors who understand the testing, diagnosis and treatment of this complex disease. And the general public is clueless. You are one of the lucky ones if you notice a bite or rash and get treated right away. And even then, your standard blood test might still be negative. Unfortunately, a round of antibiotics might not do the trick or the bacteria can go dormant in your body for years. It will rear its ugly head by creating other diseases, and then your body has woven itself into a very tangled web of disease. Can you tell I'm just a little passionate about this subject? ;-)

Lyme Disease is also frustrating to have because people with this disease don't look "sick" so people assume all is well. It is a disease that can make one feel lonely, misunderstood, and even more hopeless. The feeling that you have to convince people that you really, truly are sick; that it isn't all in your head. To feel like you have to come with a another good explanation for canceling plans besides always saying, "I feel sick....still."

Phew! It sure has been a long journey, and I'm still a work in progress. Aren't we all? Now you've gotten the full physical health story. I've met many wonderful people along the way (I like to call them angels) at just the perfect time; from all over the United States right to my backdoor. Thank you to those who have loved and encouraged me, offered me support, helped problem solve, or just been there to listen because sometimes there isn't anything to say except, "I'm here for you." I am also thankful for the many doctors who tried to help me the best they knew how.

Even during what seems like a hopeless situation, there is always Hope. What I've learned along the way is that I have to continue to trust God each step of the way. And Trusting is the hardest step to take of all, but the most important. I encourage you to also trust in His plan for your life. He gives us hope and a future, with no plans to harm us, for all of us to prosper. He wants to bless us and pour out His Love on us.

Cling to that if you are in the midst of a trial right now that feels like its crushing you. If you feel like your prayers are just flying up to nowhere. When all you are left with is sitting in the Waiting Room, desperately crying out to God from the depths of your soul to free you from this trial (s). And God remains silent (even though He's really not). While you are waiting....waiting....waiting....continue to pray to Him, serve Him, and stay strong. Believe that He is good and faithful and overflowing with Love.

And never, ever, let go of HOPE because sometimes, that's all we have. And really, when it comes down to it, that is our anchor. It's what keeps us grounded, steady, and strong. It's what helps carry us over the finish line.

For much, much more detailed, helpful information about Lyme disease, please see (http://www.lymebytes.blogspot.com)