In Remembrance of ~

This past weekend we gathered together with family in Montello, WI to memorialize my mom who died eight years ago yesterday. Per her request, she was cremated. Each one of her children took a portion with us, but the rest of them resided in a beautiful blue, engraved urn at my dad's house. Until now. 

I sprinkled her ashes in my rose garden, right next to Emily's baby pink rose bush. It felt like the perfect place to put it.  I've tried tirelessly to make sure those two roses survive the Wisconsin winter every year! I've only had to replant them twice. As time wore on, I began to feel that it would be nice to have some place to 'go' to pay my respects besides my rose garden. Not just for me, but for my family, too. When she was dying and making her wishes known, I did not have an opinion either way.

It is interesting to me how much wiser we get with age.

There is just something about having a place to lay flowers down on your loved one's grave. Or a balloon or stuffed animal or cross. A bench. Or to just sit there and cry.

I know there healing in doing this, and it is part of the grieving process. We visit our daughter, Emily Rose's, grave every year on July 4th to honor and remember her. I like to call it walking through the grief  because I sometimes question if it will ever end.

People often say 'time heals all wounds' or 'time will make it better.' I don't believe either one is true. I think grief changes. It ebbs and flows and changes through the years, but the scar remains. Sometimes it becomes an open wound, and we are thankful when it's not.

So my dad bought my mom a headstone at a cemetery in their hometown where he will be laid to rest next to her after his death.

How do I say Thank You to him for this gift to our family? I hope he understands the significance of this event to us and what it means to each one of us....right on down to their youngest grandchild, Elizabeth Aurelia Edwards (same middle name as my mom).

I brought 8 "blue" balloons (Mom's favorite color) to release up to the sky and beyond to heaven (watch out helicopters!); my sister brought flowers and an angel statute; Johnny brought flowers and 'love you Mom' balloons. It was an amazingly beautiful and memorable time.

 
We talked about my mom- the laughs, the fun times, the quirky stuff. We ate her famous lasagna for dinner later that day. All in remembrance of her.

We all agreed that when she left this earth there was a 'spark' that had gone out in the world. She was someone worth knowing. I often tell people, "I wish you could've known my mom. You would have loved her!"

I couldn't help but picture my mom looking down on her family and smiling with a twinkle in her eye and joy all over her face. We took a lot of great pictures, played an Elvis tune on a smartphone and told Polish jokes. All in good fun. It is what she would have wanted.

This past weekend was a good reminder to me of what is most important in life. I think about all of the stuff I "stress" about that will not matter one bit at the end of my life. Life is about the moments. It is about spending time with the ones you love. So ~ I thank my mom for bringing us together again and continuing to teach and grow me into whom I am supposed to be. A mother's love never ends; neither does a child's. 

99 years young

My grandma died on Sunday at the sweet, tender age of 99 years old - just shy of her 100th birthday. We had plans to visit her at the end of February as we usually did, to share that milestone with her. We were looking forward to a vacation from our cold winter weather and visiting with family. Instead, our plans have changed to planning a spring time memorial service at Wisconsin Memorial Park, where she will be laid to rest next to my grandpa.

I offered to write my Grandma's obituary.  It will be my first one.  I hope I do her proud.  I don't want to write the "usual" type, where it lists...survived by...preceded in death by..,etc.  Yes, all of those things are important and will be written, but I want people to know my Grandma and what her life meant.

Her LIFE...all 99 years, 10 months and 24 days of it!

The best obituary, I ever read, was written by my friend, Cheryl, and it was for my mom.  Please click here to read it.  I hope I can express to others my grandma's life in the same way; however, her personality being more private and introverted may make it more difficult to write.

The last time I saw my grandma she was lively, communicative, funny and looked happy. One time, she shared her private feelings with me about my childhood that profoundly affected me.  I'd say so much so that it will be the title of my memoir, if I ever write it...Tossed Aside Like a Rag Doll and I will dedicate it to her. We really connected that day in a special way.

Yes, she was struggling physically, but she was able to sit outside on her porch with her family.  I asked her if I could paint her fingernails a pretty pink color that I picked out just for her.  I loved seeing the smile on her face when she nodded yes.

We celebrated her birthday with her favorite foods and dessert.  We showered her with presents and flowers.  She smiled and laughed often. The sun was shining, and the day was beautiful.  It was the best of times. That is how I will remember her.

My grandma and I shared our love for writing and reading.  When they moved to Arkansas when I was 10-years old, our relationship changed to a pen pal one.  We got to know each other in a different, special kind of way through all of those letters, back and forth.  I saved many of them,  and I will read them again soon.  We continued this until a few years ago when she couldn't write any longer. Although I continued writing to her, I knew she was filled with great sadness that she couldn't write back.

I will spend the next few weeks "interviewing" my family members about my grandma's life.  I'm not really after the facts per se, but rather how she touched their lives. What they learned from her...what they loved about her... what was her childhood like...what did she love about life?  Some of it might make it into the obituary; some of might not.

I'd say it pretty much comes down to: What's her legacy?  Hmm...something I think matters to each one of us.  Something I hope to capture in her obituary.

That song by Nicole Nordeman called, Legacy, comes to my mind as I write this.  She sings, "I want to leave a legacy.  How will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to you enough to make a mark on things?"

When I write my grandma's obituary, I will write from a place of how she always made me feel, and that was loved and accepted all of the time.  She was one of the kindest people I have ever met.  I will remember school shoe shopping with her when I was a kid.  I will remember the drive down to Arkansas, with all 5 of us, plus the dog smashed into a baby blue colored Pinto, rusted floor and all.  She would bake us the best Christmas cookies and mail them each year.  Her deep faith in God was genuine, private and understood.  I never doubted her when she said she was praying for me.

I'm happy today that my grandma has made it safely home.  She didn't reach the "milestone" that we had all hoped for, but in the big scheme of things, I don't think it really matters.  She lived a good, long life that I am glad I got to be apart of.  She will be deeply missed and fondly remembered.

Grandma, Mom, Tracy and I ~ 1973

Grandma on her 99th birthday

Betty H. Edwards, Feb. 25, 1915 - January 18, 2015, born in Chicago, IL.

Birth name:  Sara Elizabeth (Betty) Hines

Bittersweet

Tonight, I am feeling something called bittersweet.  My friend, Laura, died today.  Her suffering ended, but ours began.  That is how life goes.  She leaves behind 3 children who really needed their mom.  She was a mother, daughter, sister and friend who will be deeply missed.

Laura, simply, made the world brighter.  I feel as though a 'spark' has gone out in the world.  If you knew her, you'd understand.  She had a heart for God and a zest for life.

Her life ended way too soon.

Life is interesting, isn't is?  I am waiting for the same "news" about my grandma.  She will turn 100 years old on February 25th, but I don't know if she will "make it."  We are all excited for her to make that milestone, but I don't think it matters much to her. We visit her every year on her birthday, but our travel plans to see her in San Diego are on hold, for now.

She has lived a good, long life...99 years!  Can you even imagine?  Because of that, it makes it easier to understand and accept it, doesn't it?  But for someone like Laura,  I am left feeling frustrated because the answer  to the "why" of things is not for me to know.

There comes a time when questions cease and faith begins.  I learned this a long time ago from my dear mentor and friend who had suffered loss herself.

The past few days have left me feeling on edge and sleepless, as I've waited for the news about these people that I love.  That dreaded call.  I remember it well when my mom was dying.  Yet, when I think of my dear friend who is now  in heaven - completely known - I can't help feeling the sweetness.  She met Jesus today.  Her suffering and pain ended instantaneously, as she took hold of His hand.

Our life is but a blink.  This loss has sure put things into perspective for me as I am the same age as hers. Laura has taught me to savor each and every moment.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed to anybody.

I feel the bitterness, as I think of her life taken too soon.  I will feel the bitterness at her funeral because there is no sense to be made of this.  I will shed a whole bunch of tears for days when I think of her kids.  I will hug her mom tight because I understand what it feels like to lose a child.

As you go to sleep tonight, would you please pray for this family?  And I hope you feel the sweet, as I do, when you realize the whole purpose of life.  I know Laura knows full well, "Well done, good a faithful servant. " I know God is good, and He is right there beside them.  I know this for sure.

He said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will return there. The LORD gives, and the LORD takes away. May the name of the LORD be blessed!" Job 1:21